With November almost upon us, it is once again time for
men across the globe to prepare for a month of serious grooming armed with an aggressive sounding, hi-tech razor, a can of scientifically mastered foam, and an aftershave lotion that promises to turn it’s user into a sex panther. The Movember Foundation’s scheme gives men an incontestable excuse to thrust their finely preened moustaches upon the world and take part in a spot of masculine, homosocial competition whilst incidentally raising money to combat cancer.
The moustache has been an object of fascination since the dawn of man, with the earliest portrait displaying one (belonging to an ancient Iranian horseman) believed to have been created around 300 BCE. Although in recent years the moustache has increasingly become a rarity in the Western world, the lack of facial hair being associated with more liberal political tendencies, nearly all men still nurse a secret desire to sport one of these fine aesthetic symbols of masculine grandeur.
Symbolically associated with strong military figures, including Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin, male sex symbols such as Freddie Mercury and Tom Selleck and successful professional sportsmen, like Rollie Fingers and Ian Rush, it is not surprising that given half a chance men everywhere will proudly exhibit the largest moustache they are able to grow, caring little if their girlfriends object.
The rules of Movember, as laid out on the Movember website, are simple:
1. Once registered at movember.com each mo bro must begin the 1st of Movember with a clean shaven face.
2. For the entire month of November each mo bro must grow and groom a moustache.
3. There is to be no joining of the mo to [one’s] sideburns. (That’s considered a beard.)
4. There is to be no joining of the handlebars to [one’s] chin. (That’s considered a goatee.)
5. Each mo bro must conduct himself like a true country gentleman.
Why not try one of these superb styles:
The Pencil
‘Did I forget to shave? I was probably just too preoccupied being cool and looking good’ is what The Pencil moustache would say if it could speak. A great choice for those who struggle to produce large quantities of facial hair, or for all men during the first week of Movember, this style looks casual and unpredicable, and is frequently used by male celebrities who want to appear more masculine, such as Orlando Bloom. Be wary though, this style is actually the product of some careful trimming and without the necessary commitment you’ll be constantly told you’ve got bum fluff on your face.
The Chevron
‘Solid’, ‘reliable’, ‘manly’ are all terms that
spring to mind when faced with The Chevron. A straight forward choice for those with a square face and defined jaw line, a Chevron wearer is the sort of man who has a steady income, drinks whisky, says little, and makes love to any woman within range (missionary only), including your wife. A timeless symbol of sex and confidence, the Chevron-wearer is lean, serious, drives a Dodge Viper and absolutely incapable of putting up with bullshit. Don’t wear it if you aren’t hard.
The Handlebar
Elegant, refined, and somewhat sinister, The Handlebar is the moustache that Dorian Grey would have worn had he taken part in Movember (which is unlikely considering he was evil and fictional). One can picture a Handlebar adorned man sitting by a fire in a richly furnished room sipping fine wine and plotting a high-stake corporate take-over, whilst enjoying Mozart’s Violin Concerto in B-flat major, or discussing philosophy. You’re not wanted by the police only because you own the police. The drawback to this style, other than the necessary maintenance, is that without a top hat and waistcoat it will seem slightly out of place on your face. And with a top hat and waistcoat you’ll seem slightly out of place, wherever you are in this century.
Register now for Movember:
http://uk.movember.com