So this week, I’ve been asked to write about
male problems. Men. Hello men. Manly, aren’t you? Can you feel those muscles? Smell that musk? Yeah, that’s right, you grow that beard. Or not. Maybe you’re a skinny, smooth cheeked kind of a guy. That’s cool too. All men are welcome here in the place where male problems are discussed.
Now, just before I delve into helping you through your problems, I should quite like to point out that I’m not actually a man, just in case any of you later decide I’d be the perfect wing man for your manly exploits, of whatever, and I turn up with a disappointing lack of todger. But I’m sure I’ll be just fine at sympathising with your problems. I’ve met many a man after all, and spent much of my childhood in Spiderman costumes and sword fighting with the stinging nettles in my garden… I’m a kind of ‘If Carlsberg did women who are actually men’ scenario… So let’s begin.
Baldness. Ah, that has to suck. A hairless, shiny, squeaky when wet, wilderness on the top of your head. You’re going to have to start applying sun cream to your scalp in summer, or risk burning and having a face like a turnip (without the green sprouty bit, obviously). Now, clearly, doing a Wayne Rooney isn’t much of an option, unless you’re loaded, which you’re not, so I have a plan. Together, let’s make that flirty little bit of skin poking over the top of your hair line really sexy. The image women should have in mind when they see you is a kind of beautiful, yet erotic snow capped mountain. In order to do this, we’re going to need to find something really sexy about the scalp. There’s that scene in Cool Runnings when Sanka suggests drawing a line down the middle of Derice’s bald head, to make it look like a butt. Not very sexy… but, what if we drew a line down the middle of every bald head, and made it look like cleavage? Yeah? I’m not entirely sure what’s sexy about cleavage, but I’m told as a general rule, that the more of it you have, the sexier you become. With a line down the middle of your head, we could apply the same sexy logic to bald heads, as there is to cleavage. Excellent. What other problems have you got?
Erectile dysfunction: Anne Summers does a very lovely little number in willy pumps. Next.
Women: I’ve never actually slept with/gone out with a woman, but, basically I’d say the best way to get women to fancy you is to make sure you’re tall, attractive and really, really good in bed. And maybe, on second thoughts, try to avoid the whole bald head /cleavage thing.
Well, that’s it, as far as I’m aware. If you do have any problems that I’ve missed, feel free to write to me. I’m always here… thinking manly thoughts.