Dear TV,
You are lovely. You really are. But just like a relationship you do have a some minor imperfections that we need to improve. For example, taking too much of the bedsheets. Going to the toilet with the door open. You’re face. So this Valentines let us have do some ‘constructive criticism’ of how you can tweak the tweakable. Before you start to complain, don’t. I’m paying you.
1. Desperate Housewives. It used to be epic. The premise was brilliant: perfect women who pretended to live in a perfect lifestyle apart from the fact that all had unperfect lives but tried to look to others that everything is perfect. But then each series started to get rather samey. The series would always start with a creepy neighbour moving into the street with a dark past or awkward mannerisms. The show then plods along, each episode giving a hint that something STUNNING is about to happen, but never actually come to fruition. All you have is 23 weeks of awkward facial expressions by these neighbours, by the housewives to these neighbours, or by the viewer to the television screen, as well as long dramatic orchestral crashes while these neighbours innocently take the trash out to the edge of the drive way. In my humble opinion I think they need to spice up the show a little bit. Option one. Merge it with another American show that is also getting tired, such as 24. I would certainly watch an episode where Jack Bauer has to race across LA in order to stop Bree Van Dee Kamps nuclear activated soufflé explodesing. Option two. Put all the characters on crystal meth.
2. BBC Weather – I don’t have that many qualms about the weather. It’s alright now that it is all in 3D CGI zoomy zoomy on the BBC. The only problem arises is when they deliver the weather. For example, the presenter starts the forecast on the map and your eye immediately glances at the area of dark beige that you think you live in the country. No rain for us! Yay! What about tomorrow now? It ignores you. The screen just zooms into another area of the country. Now that’s annoying, but I’ll wait. It’s going to be sunny in Northern England… That’s nice. Let’s move on c’mon… You’re not aren’t you? You’re zooming into East England. I don’t care man. Another blob zoom in. I really don’t care about Hull, leave off it! Zoom-in. OH GOD. Stop. JUST GIVE ME the five day forecast. Let’s move on! I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE WEATHER IN EAST SUSSEX. LEAVE ME ALONE. GET OUT OF MY LIFE. I’M AN INDEPENDENT MAN NOW. LOOK LET US ADDRESS THE MAIN FUNDAMENTAL ISSUE HERE NOW. YOU’VE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THE MET OFFICE AGAIN HAVEN’T YOU? I HAD A LOOK AT YOUR TELETEXT AND LOOKED AT YOUR SO CALLED ”VIEWER PICTURES”. NOT ONE OF THEM HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH SNOW OR LANDSCAPES. HAVE CONTROL AND SHOW SOME SELF-RESTRAINT. LEAVE ME ALONE!
3. Now then, I bet you thought that it would be really funny to when you put out Live From Studio Five on Channel Five. You must have joked. You must have thought that it would have been a right old LARF to keep this hum drum bunion news show which is presented by Melinda Messenger and Ian Wright on for so long without it being laughed out of production. But now the booze cupboard is empty, the emotional girl is crying in the corner, and that casserole dish you placed underneath the toilet to stop it from leaking into the kitchen below has overflowed, now dripping into the ground floor light sockets. Please stop. It’s nearly sunlight and the milkman is worried.
4. Those shows that makes it seem like you are actually just popping round to their house for a cuppa, but it isn’t their house or front living room because all of the sets are fake. No wait… this isn’t banal this gets me angry. If you are ever up on Sunday morning you might totter along and see some funtime domestic politics on The Andrew Marr Show or that Tim Lovejoy thing on BBC Two. It’s Sunday. The titles roll and you see the presenter enter the studio decorated with some comfy sofas, some tables, bookshelves, a vase with some flowers in, some papers left to the side and even sometimes, a cafetiere by the window. It is made to feel like you are ‘part of the gang’, a ‘family friend’ who has come round for a bit of gossip and the lark. But wait… no-one lives there. No one will ever read that book or drink that well-placed cup of coffee.
Now shhhhut TV this is a cataclysmic issue, not just for us but for everyone who works in any form of television production. Once I was a prize winner on a kids show and I was able to visit their live TV studio in London. When I arrived in the studio I was informed that this kids studio contained a seating area, a kitchen area and even a toilet. However, the kitchen doesn’t have a working hob and he toilet isn’t linked up to any piping. This had very bad consequences, as a young child who visited the show decided the wee before, quite innocently, to use the loo along with the ‘well placed toilet paper’. BBC ONE THINK OF THE CLEANERS!
5. Deal or No Deal. It just isn’t exciting anymore. The first 4 episodes were exciting. £250,000. 22 boxes. One question. It can go anywhere. But once that Laura girl won the top prize it started to go a little bit downhill. The excitement has diminished. We’ve seen one person win the £250k. We’ve seen the one where the contestant wins 1p. So what way can we make show viewable every single day? LETS MAKE IT WEIRD. Bring on the heart felt stories, the photos, the bad paper maché mug your 3 year old made which sadly looks like something you used to stretch a condom over during Sex Education, the hugging and the stupid East Wing / West Wing malarky . What is even more annoying is that Noel has a long long conversation with the banker on the phone every time someone breaths or when he realises that there is still 38 minutes left to fill a show that you can generally do in two if you did it at home with 22 shoe boxes all individually marked by an independent audicator, the only one who knows where all of the numbers are inside them. . ‘Hello Banker… how are you…………………………………..?? Good……’ I don’t think we have the capability to read telepathic thoughts down a phone line Noel. Can you at least write some subtitles, or at least put him on speaker phone? It would help. (tip: press the right hand button. Ta-dah! Speaker!)
6. Glee. No… no. TV Stay there. Just hear me out. Quickly quickly, before you hand in the keys and slam the door on my face, can I suggest some changes to this show a wee tad more exciting. Can you incorporate Glee to have more awkward songs? I tell you, Nothing would be more funny than watching Channel 4 at 5.30pm, with my mug of tea in one hand whilst your perform a highly uncomfortable rendition of ’Justify my Love’ by Madonna, ‘Gay Bar’ by Electric Six ’Smack My Bitch Up.’ SLAMMMM…
Hello….. hello……………. TV?……….TV?!