Did the foxtrot shape your decade?

As the decade draws to a close, it is inevitable that, at one stage or another, we will eventually be forced to “look back” and decide that the last ten years have now suddenly become “history”.

Recently, the BBC helpfully decided to rank the most important things of the decade in a depressing attempt to convince us that we haven’t just wasted our lives. So what has been the most important things of the last ten years? The so-called “War on Terror” maybe? Or how about the internet? Apparently not.

In at number 44 was the presidency of George Bush – quite a low ranking for something that has deeply changed global politics you might think. But of course, we need to make room for some other even more important stuff… like Nuts Magazine at number 36. Of course, not everyone agreed Nuts Mag has been so important. One bloke claimed: “for me the story of the decade is the story of Heat magazine.” It wasn’t all frivolous though. Far from it. Number 21? High School Musical.

But it really started to get worrying when it got to the top 20. Is this really what we think of ourselves? Ok, so the internet has clearly been important this decade, and getting in at 15 seems reasonable. But then we find that number 14 is “ballroom dancing”. Who even goes ballroom dancing?! In what way has a foxtrot had any impact whatsoever on the wider society, politics or culture of the UK, let alone the world?!

And now we’re down to the last few. The really earth-shattering things that have defined this decade and will be read about in history books for years to come. Let’s take them one at a time: which is more important, the War on Terror or the death of Jade Goody and Michael Jackson? Surely the BBC would pick the former? Surely? Surely?! No.

“The world plunged into darkness. Like JFK, we all remember where we were when we got that text telling us the king of pop was gone.” This is rubbish for two reasons: (1) Who the heck got a text message when JFK was assassinated? (2) No one cares that Jackson’s dead.

It’s the people now. And the BBC put two big names in the top 5. Tony Blair and Simon Cowell. So what did these guys do? Blair ran the country for 7 years of the decade, leading the world into illegal wars that will rage for years to come, he reformed the very nature of British politics, he helped bring violence in Northern Ireland to an end and made huge changes to public health and education. Simon Cowell makes programmes for ITV and has silly hair. The decision was obvious, Simon Cowell is clearly more important.

So what came number one? The thing that has most defined this decade? The thing that we’ll all look back and think “oh yes, that was the decade when that happened.” … Texting. The most important thing for ten years is the act of sending brief abbreviated written messages via cellular networks. Unbelievable.

It turns out that looking back is even worse than looking forward because there is nothing you can do about it. Having said that, looking forward is nearly as bad as looking back because it is always exactly the same as the past but even more predictable. Optimism about the next decade is like hoping the repeat of X Factor on ITV2 will be less depressing than the original shown on ITV1. Merry Christmas.