Q: What’s the best way to end my relationship?
Nicholas – Now, I don’t want to encourage any hasty decisions. Your tone doesn’t sound that determined – you’re asking two single men, who you don’t even know, to help you finish your relationship?! Take a step back and gaze at this perverse situation the modern world has put us in… Musings aside, DON’T FINISH HIM. You might be unhappy now, but think of the world of loneliness and gloom you’re about to enter into. A double bed is too big for one person, Orange Wednesdays don’t have the same charm, and M&S certainly do not do a delicious meal deal for one. Grit your teeth, knuckle down, take one for the team and maybe just live together in unhappiness. Forever.
Jack – I am a big fan of the straightforward “It’s over, it’s you (not me), please leave my house”. However, this may lead to bitterness, social exclusion and being spat at by your ex’s friends on a night out. Added to this, for people with a moral backbone, it may cause a feeling of guilt. Therefore, make them break up with you. Become the worst partner in the world. Make yourself into an extremely selfish lover with the mantra “I am done, so why aren’t you?” Make comments about how badly they are dressed in front of their mates. Sneeze in their ear while they sleep. You get the break up you want with none of the guilt.
Q: I’m alone, any tips on how to spend the day?
Nicholas – So you’re alone, we’ll have to accept that fact and move on. Whether it’s the fact you’re about as sexy as a filing cabinet or you cried excessively when Kim Jong-Il died, there a plenty of reasons why you’re alone on Valentine’s day. This doesn’t mean that you should be alone though, unless, in all honesty, those two descriptions really do apply to you. So get your best dress on, dance around your room to your favourite song, and get ready to go out and have the night of your life. Start trawling the bars for likely partners, although you’ll be scraping the bottom of the barrel in Stone Roses and Vudu so aim for Evil Eye and Dusk. If all else fails, go to Willow and ensnare the man of your dreams with your frantic dance moves and endearing desperation – please make sure he’s single first.
Jack – Here is my timetable for your day of loveless fun. Wake up and feel lonely. Go to every single florists and gift shop in the whole city and buy up every single last rose you can find. That is one way to teach all those people who left their presents until the last minute. Look at photos of all your ex lovers and feel even more resentful. Feed a cuddly toy into a paper shredder because you are feeling so bitter. And then in the evening go with a friend to a nice romantic restaurant and act out a horrendous break up in the middle of the venue. This will ruin everyone else’s romantic meal and make you feel much better. Have fun my loveless friend.
Q: I received a rubbish Valentine’s present, what do I do?
Nicholas – I’m going to assume they either got you rat poison or a toaster considering your dismayed tone. But let’s toy with them a bit. Mention it at every possible opportunity. Bring it up when you’re out, look fondly up at the clouds and mention how much they look like your beloved toaster. Don’t forget to mention it to their friends, maybe even take your toaster with you to Willow just to show the fantastic contraption off. After Valentine’s Day passion between the sheets, recline and just start talking about how important the toaster is to your relationship, say that it holds you together and you’d leave him if you received a worse present. He’ll quickly get the message. Or buy more electrical goods: win-win.
Jack – Punish them and punish them hard! Treat whatever present you got as the crap starting point on a race of tat. If they got you awful pieces of clothing get them an even worse one for their birthday, for example a cow onesie with udders abreast. If they got you some rather unimaginative chocolates get them an awful foodstuff such as prunes for Christmas. If they buy you some ugly jewellery for your next anniversary, buy them a Prince Albert piercing. The possibilities are endless and horrendous. Because between anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas you obviously don’t get enough commercial fulfilment already do you.