Why do we find ourselves in on-again and off-again relationships, and how do we close the door for good?
Let’s face it, we all know this person, and some of us have been this person. Sometimes, breakups are simple; it ends, and you never see each other again. Sometimes, when you break up, it’s only the beginning. The end of a relationship is usually meant to signify an incompatibility or a fundamental disagreement between a couple. If this is the case, why do we find ourselves getting back with people that we know are wrong for us?
Firstly, there could be a scientific reason behind why this occurs. It is called the ‘mere-exposure effect’, or the familiarity effect. In simple terms, it means that in some cases, people develop a preference for what is familiar to them.
Don’t we all love home comforts? Expanding on this, when we go back to someone, many people often view the partner they are returning to as the person they knew at the start of the relationship, before the cracks started to show. However, to do this is to lie to yourself.
It can be hard to give up someone who knows so much about you, especially in long-term relationships. But, you have to confront the truth that this person did know you, and very well at that, yet you still were not compatible. No level of interpersonal understanding is going to make that work. It may also be helpful to keep in mind that whilst they are familiar, there was a time where you hadn’t met them, and perhaps whilst you’re busy breaking up and making up every other month, you are delaying meeting your perfect stranger.
Of course, this conversation can not take place without consulting today’s dating scene. It is abysmal. This appears to be a shared opinion which applies not just to the horrors of dating apps, but also to in-person connections.
I was once told that York, specifically, compared to other places, is shockingly bad for meeting people in bars and on nights out, compared to cities like Leeds. The saying “there are plenty of fish in the sea” doesn’t seem to apply here. It is not a scene anyone is rushing to get back to, and sometimes, it feels like staying in your deflating rubber dinghy is better than jumping into the ocean with no sight of land. However, for some people who have just left their partner, this feeling may be a personal bias, as after leaving a relationship, sometimes the dating scene can feel shockingly sparse – as if there’s no one else out there for you.
If nothing changes, then nothing changes. You are not stupid; you are just heartbroken, and you know that going back to the same relationship again and again isn’t going to change anything. You know this because you have just broken up for the 8th time. You will not find your future in your past and your happiness is clearly not where you last left it. So shut that door behind you. For good. And go get it.