You can eat this every day and not die

I am not proud of this recipe, but I ate this about three times a week last term and am still alive to tell the tale. Sometimes at Uni, you will wake up at 3pm feeling like shit, then realise that you spent enough money making an elderly Chinese entrepreneur rich to buy a nice meal out at Il Paradiso. When you wrench your sweaty, putrid carcass out of bed and rub mascara down your stupid face, you’ll realise that you have absolutely nothing in your cupboard except an egg or two, some dusty herbs your mum got you from Costco before you came to Uni and a forgotten tin of tomatoes that you never use because you waste all your money on bought pasta sauce (don’t do it, Lloyd Grossman hates you and wants you to die). Alternatively, you just forgot to buy groceries. I do that quite a lot because I spend 90% of my waking hours inhaling asbestos in a brutalist dungeon to produce this publication, and you probably will forget too even though you have no excuse to be so fucking lazy.

Anyway, you can make this in ten minutes and it doesn’t taste that great but it’s edible and will stave off death unless you’ve injured your stomach lining so much that you vomit it up immediately after eating it.

You need:

A tin of tomatoes and an egg.

Optional extras: Garlic, chili flakes, oregano, cheese, oil.

Method

I thought I wouldn’t have to eat this until at least Week 3, but to get some pictures for you which realistically sum up what you are about to injest I wasn’t going to just grab a nice one off Pintrest for you. I made it just now, so I could get a photograph.

1. Chop some garlic if you have some (your housemate probably will) and put it in a pan with some oil.

2. Cook that for a bit then tip in the tomatoes

3. Put in literally anything else you have in your cupboard to season it. Salt and pepper will do at a pinch (get it?)

5. Wait until it bubbles, much like your stomach is doing after the amount of abuse you’ve put it through, then crack in an egg.

6. Wait until the egg cooks, then tip it into a bowl. Eat it with a spoon, watching a Nigella programme so you can pretend it’s whatever she is cooking instead. I grated Parmesan on mine because I’m currently at my mum’s house. It makes it taste marginally better.

Enjoy.