Wielding a heady mix of spandex, chiselled jawlines and upper body strength, Superheroes have spent the last few years conquering the world (of cinema). At first, these bearers of bulging biceps were welcomed; Women who could execute a perfect roundhouse kick wearing six-inch heels became instant sex symbols. We cheered as men with washboard abs put a paper bag over their heads, called themselves ‘Super’ and ran around in tights karate chopping anyone unfortunate enough to be sporting a balaclava.
Whilst this was unfortunate for ski resorts, whose sales of protective face wear plummeted, the rest of the world happily munched their popcorn and enjoyed the show… and its sequel… and that sequel’s sequel… and that sequel’s sidekick’s spin off film.
Well, next month sees the latest in this long list of Superhero movies: The Avengers. Boasting the combined powers of no less than six gifted champions, this is a blockbuster written to impress. But there is a problem: All this universal adoration is going to our heroes’ heads. Poured into a single movie, their combined inflated ego poses a serious threat to our safety. Cinemas everywhere will struggle to contain it; it will burst from the screen in a flurry of nylon, PVC and protein shakes. In short, if nothing is done, next month we will all spontaneously combust under the gaze of Robert Downey Jr.’s stubbled visage.
…What we need, is a Supervillain.
And I’m not talking another hump-backed psycho with a penchant for fish (thank you Batman Returns). We need a bonafide antithesis to the superhero scourge, the most villainous of Villains, a worthy adversary ready to knock heroes off their perches and out of our cinemas. Unfortunately, the government as of yet has not been able to find this person. In fact, it is likely this villainous hero, this walking oxymoron, does not even know of the potential lying dormant inside them. For this reason I write this blog. Look inside yourself and follow this guide to mastering the Villainous art – you may be the answer to our prayers.
1. The Power
First, you need to find the source of your Villainy – most heroes become super from freak accidents, but Villains have to be far more imaginative. The Joker needed no radioactive waste, only face paint and an ingenious use for sharp pencils. Take this into account if you’re an aspiring Villain but are a bit strapped for cash; source your powers from the kids section of WHSmith. Be Evil, terrifying AND budget-conscious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlwXlZ5aUl0&feature=fvst
2. The Back Up
Whilst most Villains advertise themselves as misunderstood loners, remember that this is not an attractive or powerful image. Like batman needs robin, a Villain needs a henchman, if only to drive the getaway van whilst you lean out of the window cackling madly. Break the mould and choose one with a decent collection of brain cells. Many a criminal has been toppled not by a heroic foe, but by a gormless goon. Be warned.
3. The Lair
When you’re terrorising the world, it’s pretty vital that you have a well-defended base to retreat to, otherwise it’s only a matter of time before some vigilante in tights batters down the door of your hired hotel room and puts a stop to your nefarious deeds. At the estate agents, try to choose a venue that best represents your villainous personality: are you a slightly egotistical introvert? Find a deserted island with a volcano shaped like your head and set up base. Not only does it look impressive, but the heat generated by molten lava will cut costs when the gas bill comes round.
4.The Voice
Strepsils are in short supply in the world of Superheroes. A dwindling commodity, our protectors have to soldier on with nothing to combat their sore throats. The consequence? Take a look.
Gravelly voices are an epidemic amongst heroes. The only reason Rorschach stooped to pluck that yellow badge from the gutter is because from a distance he thought it was a honey and lemon lozenge. Surprisingly however, their diseased windpipes have endeared Superheroes to us. In fact, some even find their newly gravelled voices attractive. Consequently, to win over the public in your Villainy you too must possess such raspy tones. Too many baddies have adopted high-pitched, maniacal shrieks and lost valuable support. Lick pavements, gargle acid, go sky-diving and scream the whole way down. Do WHATEVER it takes to achieve that husky deliverance.
5.The Body
Whilst deploying minions to do your dirty work is important, make sure that you are in prime physical shape so that if worst comes to the worst, you’re buff enough to rebuff any vigilante’s attempts to thwart you. Don’t hide away, pale and pasty in your volcano-head palace. Tan yourself on the lava, weightlift some igneous rock, and learn Kung Fu from the hermit living on its summit. When Iron Man comes knocking, and your simple servants fail, you’ll be able to pull some moves and save the day.
Follow these simple rules and you will find yourself a bonafide Supervillain, feared globally with the power to vanquish next month’s threat when The Avengers is released on April 26.
Good luck… we’re counting on you.