“Trust me – I’m an Australian!”

Any mug can make appreciative noises when presented with a £20+ vintage wine with a few medals. These wines are covered in signals that scream: “Good wine! Wealthy and cosmopolitan people will love this!”.

A much more difficult yet (in my humble opinion) infinitely more valuable skill is to be able to select a palatable wine for under £5. After all, any dedicated wine drinker can’t be paying £20 per night for a bottle of plonk unless they’re living on a budget that is far beyond student means. The true connoisseur drinks quality every night while maintaining the ability to feed themselves.*

With this in mind, I have selflessly put my liver on the line to make sure the next time you’re selecting budget wine in Costcutter/Spar you don’t end up with an option that you have to shot to force it down. Here are the golden rules:

1. Don’t pay over £5 for a bottle of wine…

… Unless you can afford to pay over £10 for your bottle. Wines in the 5 – 10 quid region fall into two camps: (a) those that are overpriced and designed for the middle class who don’t want to be stingy and buy a cheap bottle but also don’t shell out for an expensive one, and (b) those that have been incorrectly priced (as one delicious 2004 Haut-Médoc was in York’s Waitrose recently – it sadly went from £7 to £12 very quickly as someone discovered the mistake).

Four times out of five, your over £5 wine is going to be the former, and you’re going to get ripped off. Just leave the expensive wines alone and embrace your inner stinginess.

2. Drink red and rosé but leave the white wines alone

When it comes to wine, the French advocate red and rosé every day, but white only for special occasions. This is because when worst comes to worst, most bad red wines will taste like dirt, but drinkable dirt. A bad white wine, however, can taste like cat’s piss, as anyone who has ever succumbed to Costcutter’s South African Kumala should know. Buy expensive white wines, or none at all.

As for rosés, I am slightly more sceptical because of the shameful popularity of those truly awful Californian Zinfandels. If you stick with dry rosés, however, you can find some tasty bargains. The light pink rosés from France are nice, while Chilean rosés can have that dark pink colour and strawberry flavour associated with a Zinfandel, without the awful sweetness. Their merlots are rather nice as well.

3. Ditch the New World and stick with the Old World

First of all, South African and Californian wines are incredibly sub-par, and I’ve never had a decent one. How they ever became popular is completely inexplicable to me, and I’m putting it down to exceptional advertising. Avoid them at all costs.

Now, I’m given to understand that in the good times Australian and New Zealand wines became very popular. As an Australian, I am pleased for my fellow countrymen and their exports. However, since the Global Meltdown, the pound has depreciated while both the Aussie and NZ dollars have become significantly over-valued. What this means for your pocket is that you’re being asked to pay ridiculous prices for average wines. Most of them are over £5 anyway, breaking rule no. 1. Avoid, unless they’re on special.

On the other hand, one bright side of numerous policy makers making the colossal mistake of thinking a single-currency union would work is that the euro is tanking just as quickly as the pound. This has the pleasing roll-on effect of keeping European wine prices low. France, Italy and Spain are a good place to start and the Eastern European market is starting to produce some startling good value wines (at low prices, my favourite). Celebrate/mourn the collapse of the euro with a £5 Bordeaux. Mmm, delicious.

At the risk of contradicting myself, this rule does not apply to South American wines. Both Chile and Argentina can produce a tasty drop and the wines are generally a bit juicier than French wines, which suits some people. They also come with the bonus of usually being high in alcohol (value for money).

So what, then, constitutes the perfect wine?

This beauty. Cheap it may look, but Sainsburys’ eco-friendly Vin de Pays d’Oc retails at £7.99 for 1.5 litres and represents the sort of value I simply can’t walk past. Decant it into an expensive looking bottle and trick everyone into thinking you’re the ultimate connoisseur next time you’re pre-drinking a big night out. Those that are choking down their Echo Falls will look at you in envy.

* Sadly, the government’s decision to introduce minimum pricing on alcohol is putting this skill at risk. It means I will never experience the pleasures of Aldi’s multi-award winning Spanish Tempranillo ‘Toro Loco’ at £3.59 again. I’m weeping on the inside.