The death of the triangle

For centuries now, we have been beholden to a figure lauded as a symbol of strength; a figure which brings us warnings of danger, brings solidity to an otherwise crumbling world.

It is because of this figure that we can build houses so that we have somewhere safe and dry to live, that we can construct bridges so we can cross huge expanses of water and that we can describe situations in which three people feel a bit trapped because they all love each other, it’s getting pretty awkward and there doesn’t seem to be an easy solution.

I am talking, of course, about the trusty triangle.

For thousands of years humankind has been able to use the triangle as a force for good – the Egyptians even made them in 3D to house the dead bodies of their revered Pharaohs, but now, because of the action of one rash, negligent and thoughtless child, our old friend the will be forever condemned as a villain.

It all happened at Castle View School in Canvey Island, Essex. One student took offence at a tasty flapjack served up to him by the school dinner ladies and launched it across the room, inadvertently hitting a Year 7 boy and giving him a “sore eye.”

The heinous crime was enough for the school headmaster to slap a ban on the three-sided snack in question, ordering the dinner ladies to cut the treats into squares or rectangles in future.

Despite an uproar from the nation, arguing that it was the throwing of the object rather than the triangle itself which caused the damage, the actions of this child and his headmaster have now officially declared triangles as too dangerous for children. For the offending shape, the only way out from here is a slippery downward slope…

It is a classic case of the ripple effect – just imagine the consequences. People will be forced to try and eat their pizzas unsliced before the impracticality becomes too much and the popular Italian staple dies out altogether to be replaced by the highly inferior but far safer calzone.

Triangular sandwiches will be made illegal, practically killing off the age-old game of cricket. Russell & Hobbs will go bust after being forced to recalls thousands of toastie makers at huge expense. Hipsters everywhere will suffer devastating identity crises and suicide rates in East London will soar.

Even schools, which are supposed to have been made safer by this victimisation of triangles, will end up suffering hugely. Nursery school children will now find pushing those wooden blocks through the holes far too simple with there only being two options to choose from, drawing angles planar to a baseline will become impossible with the impending abolition of the set square and Trigonometry and Pythagoras’ Theorum will be consigned to the dust, leaving A-Level Mathematics in serious danger of extinction.

All this because one ignorant child thought it was funny to throw away his treat, and the real loser in this is him – not only will he suffer from lack of triangles like the rest of us, but he didn’t even get to eat his flapjack. Moron.

The main point of all this though, is that the headmaster has been far too rash. In his haste to condemn and abolish the triangle, he has failed to consider that squares actually have four corners – one more than triangles do.

It won’t be long before someone gets hurt by a square too. Then a hexagon, or whatever one of those seven-sided ones is called. If we’re not careful we’ll soon become a land without shapes, and that would just be plane boring…