It took me only a few weeks once start- ing university to realise that everybody has a different taste in television. Well, what they watched on iPlayer, because being stuck in the hole that is Derwent D Block, there was no such thing as a signal.
One person’s X Factor is another person’s Newsnight. So I have decided to compile what I like to call ‘Telly Tribes’. Pick your favourite, and join the battle for the remote.
The All American
You wake up just in time for Gilmore Girls to get your high-speed talking kicks, followed by Desperate House- wives re-runs. You get back from lectures just in time for the endless Friends and get excited for the almighty Gossip Girl (all hail). You dabble maybe in The Vampire Diaries, and always have time for My Super Sweet Sixteen. You still har- bour a great fondness for The Sopranos, with your very own theory on that finale. Your new favourite past time is watch- ing Glee online before anyone else (you know, riiight?!) and it’s an unwritten rule that Scrubs takes precedence over the News. Period.
Reality Bites
You can recite some of Lauren Conrads infamous lines from The Hills, hold a (not so) guilty light for Jersey Shore, seeing Snooki as modern day icon. You genuinely wept when Big Brother fin- ished and wondered what it would be like to actually witness the sunshine between the months of May and August. You find sick pleasure in I’m a Celebrity… and when you remember The Farm you get a toasty feeling inside. Your new favourite TV delight is The Only Way is Essex and you cannot see how on earth they could have ‘made up’ these dramas for our en- tertainment. I mean it’s so real isn’t it? Of course Kirk likes the Zoo. Who doesn’t?
Game Show Lame Show
You update your Facebook status during Million Pound Drop Live, you have a weird crush on Noel Edmonds and you wish you could purchase a box set of Deal or No Deal. You spend your Friday afternoons catching up with old episodes of Wheel of Fortune and Bullseye. You think Brucie-Forth’s talent is wasted on Strictly, he could have ruled the world with Play Your Cards Right. In desper- ate times you even dabble in Don’t For- get the Lyrics, presented by the marmite man himself Shane Ritchie. The Cube, Golden Balls.. they’re just for starters in your eyes. Oh and you’re still waiting on a reply from Who Wants to be a Millionaire?. Chris Tarrant must have re- ceived your application form by now. You sent it in 2002.
Serious Face
Newsnight, The Politics Show with Andrew Marr, 3 Minute Wonders, Dispatches and the like. Wow. A part of you is really interested, and then a part of you just watches it for ‘the image’. Be- cause you’re serious, like deadly serious, about world politics and all that jazz. You let your hair down watching some Sky News and lock your door when you watch The Inbetweeners because people CANNOT find out that you enjoy a pro- gramme where profanity is rife. Gulp.
Soap Eater
You see the Slaters as part of your extended family, and still can’t bring yourself to talk about that revelation by Kat. In a fight you’d take Ian’s side over Phil’s, just because, and you would love to share a cigarette with Dot. You’ve seen David Platt grow up from a little monster to an absolute idiot, and could give Gail a few tips about good parenthood. You hate Emily with a passion, but still appreciate that she took in Spider, even though the Red Wreck seemed to disappear when he did… You miss the original Dingles, even though Lisa Riley moved on to You’ve Been Framed you still couldn’t get enough. Oh and Shadrach. Sob. You even switch on Doctors, because that’s just how you roll. So if you don’t understand anything I’ve just said..GET OUT OF MY CLUB. Get it? No? Whatever.
The BBC Three Massive
Don’t Tell The Bride has been in your telly diary since the beginning and, although you love the programme, it’s just something you wouldn’t do. Snog, Marry, Avoid…what is there to say? It’s your life blood. Nothing can shock you now you’ve seen someone tape on their hair with some duct tape and used Superglue on their eyelashes. You don’t bash an untainted lash when you see someone with a pierced neck or tattooed lip-liner. A girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do, right? You love the pre-tan rituals, and have actually tried one of Jenny Frost’s beauty tips. I have. You love those ‘Natalie Cassidy…’ programmes, and Coming of Age is a mod- ern day great in your eyes. You couldn’t get more excited over Hotter Than My Daughter, and secretly hoped that the third member of Atomic Kitten would present a programme turning plain girls into total tramps.
The Daytime Gang
Your TV pleasure surfaces between the hours of 9am and 3pm, just before your one 5.15 lecture of the day. It’s a toss up between Jezza Kyle and Cash in the Attic, but hey, you’ll see how you feel when you wake up. This Morning isn’t the same to you now that Fern got a makeover and up sticks and left. You constantly wonder how that wallpaper sets and the paint dries in 60 Minute Makeover (I mean, did his wife actually not know that that girl-from-Hollyoaks was going to come round with a cement mixer?). You take genuine interest in whether that family from Yarm stayed in Australia in Wanted Down Under, and a day is not a good day without a huge helping of Flog It. I mean, how could it be?