Send Them Packing

In two days, you’ll have the potential to make one of the least important decisions of your life. Voting will open on this year’s YUSU elections, an annual popularity contest that will have virtually nil impact on your life. But look on the bright side; at least we have democracy here at York. What Bahrain, Libya, Yemen and all those other scary and less civilised countries wouldn’t give to have what we have here. Rather than one charismatic but unfortunately trigger happy dictator, they could have five democratically-elected graduates with no power whatsoever.

Although if you ask me, I think we’ve got the raw end of the deal. So to quell my – and much of the Middle East and North Africa’s antagonism, I suggest a trade. The above countries, as well as Egypt and Tunisia who are both still in dire need of a leader, could come to an agreement where we send them five new Sabbs each year and they send us back their tyrants who can then represent us here at the students’ union.
This scheme would work because it is mutually beneficial to virtually all involved parties. The ex-dictators wouldn’t have to lose face by being ousted from their own country and they would get to hold political power in a western country; while the Sabbs would get to enjoy a far more pleasant climate and actually have the ability to get things done, albeit not where they imagined.

We, as students, would benefit immensely too. Can you imagine having Hosni Mubarak, Colonel Gaddafi and all those other pleasant fellows representing us? I suspect our Vice-Chancellor would be bricking it. Portering cuts? Tuition fee rises? Not going to happen while they’re around, Gadaffi would probably shoot everyone in Heslingon Hall without really knowing what was going on. Perhaps we wouldn’t even have funding problems; Mubarak is estimated to be worth more than £40bn, even one per cent of that would go a long way to prevent student services from being cut.

OK so we may have a few distasteful statues popping up all over the place, but it’s a price I would hope most students are willing to pay so that we can drain that lake and fill it with Evian, cull all the annoying wildlife on campus and anything else that someone with more money than sense would be willing to pay for.

And as for all those protestors back in those crazy foreign nations that we only really hear about when the population gets lairy, they’ll have a democratically elected leader, just like they’ve always wanted.

Detractors may claim that this plan is naive as it does not tackle the underlying problem, that the widespread protests in the Middle East and North Africa aren’t solely to do with democracy, but in fact stem from chronic unemployment and the cost of living rapidly increasing. I say these are merely details which the Sabbs can easily resolve in the short term by treating the aforementioned countries a lot like they would treat us. Open up another branch of The Courtyard and hold a Viking Raid every day; get everyone so lashed that they won’t be able to remember what they were unhappy about in the first place, and even if they do, the inevitable hangover will probably disincentivise them to kick up a fuss. Everything will be dandy insha’Allah.