Review: Premier League

All Premier League seasons are equal, but some Premier League seasons are more equal than others.

In fact, had he been around to see it, the 2013/14 campaign will have surely struck a chord in George Orwell himself, with poor Steven Gerrard left to play the role of Winston Smith under the conquering gaze of Manchester ‘Big Brother’ City.

But enough of these hopeless appeals to English Literature students. Put plain and simple, the inaugural post-Ferguson Premier League season was absolutely epic. Some would even describe it as revolutionary, the term used by Alan Hansen in his hardy and anything-but-emotional Match of the Day bow and me at Roses watching the somewhat insane canoe polo. (I shit you not).

In the end, the die was pretty much cast by the final day (also a bit like Roses this year), but that shouldn’t put a downer on the fact we had four title challengers and about eleven trapdoor dwellers throughout the year. It was truly unpredictability at its finest.

However, we must not disregard the instances in which the beautiful game, as it often does, veered its ugly head at us, from trigger-happy owners and touchline head-butting to shameless fly-pasts and toys-out-the-pram managers.
With all that in mind, I bring to you lovely Courtyard-consigned, football enthusiasts / disillusioned Leeds United supporters the good, the bad, and the ugly of our beloved Premier League, and what to look out for once League 2 Play-Off semi-finalists York City begin their charge towards the big time (what?).

The Good

Manchester City. An obvious one to start with. Despite the Club having more financial power than the Derwent JCRC, City must be praised for the character they’ve shown all season. After some initially wretched away form, an unyielding Pellegrini eventually inspired his team to 30 points in their final 13 league games on the road. Even after defeat to Liverpool, Kompany and co. went on to show a level of composure worthy of champions. Just don’t expect to find the City contingent celebrating their achievement at Project D.

Luis Suarez. The first Liverpool player since Ian Rush to score 30+ goals in a season, the joint-fastest player in Premier League history to reach 20 goals, PFA and FWA Player of the Year. The tabloids have done enough raving all season, so let’s leave the facts and figures to do the talking.

Tony Pulis. He is to football what Greg Dyke is to the game of bowls, but even the harshest critics of Pulis’ philosophy can’t deny him special praise for his rescuing of Crystal Palace. Following Holloway’s departure, the Eagles were hurtling towards a fifth Premier League relegation. But the introduction of Pulis reinvigorated Palace with a tenacity and doggedness, particularly in defence, which allowed them to grind out results and steer well clear of the relegation places. My pick for Manager of the Season (that’s Pulis, not Greg).

The Bad

The History Boys. We could all spend hours overwhelming one another with factors behind the woeful seasons experienced by the relegated trio. But let’s cut to the chase and admit to ourselves that they all absolutely deserved it. Norwich’s sacking of Hughton with five games left, league freshman Shahid Khan’s merry-go-round of managers at Fulham, and Vincent Tan’s disastrous Solskjær-for-Mackay switch at Cardiff, are all excellent examples of how not to run a football club. Quite frankly, I’m delighted these three went down. Pint at Courtyard?

The Dull One. Believe me, I was a big fan of Mourinho’s a few months ago. But there are only so many bizarre horse-related analogies, slimy mind-games and pathetic excuses a man can take. The Special One now seems painfully predictable and ultimately boring, and, as a result, shan’t take up any more of my word quota.

The Downright Ugly

Alan Pardew. Another manager who, nowadays, never ceases to piss me off. Even after six defeats on the bounce, during which Newcastle scored one goal, the mockingly-hailed “Pardiola” managed to conjure up an impressive array of excuses, none of which seemed to include him head-butting a poor innocent Hull City of Culture Tigers player, resulting in a touchline ban.

Manchester United. You have to have them somewhere. At times, the gulf between Moyes’ men and the title-chasers seemed larger than the one separating Halifax and the rest of the world. Furthermore, the dismissal of Fergie’s successor was dealt with atrociously. Poor David…next Vice-Chancellor perhaps?

The Awards

Goal of the Season: Wilshere Vs. Norwich. Match of the Season: West Ham 0-0 Sunderland. Most Improved: Southampton / Liverpool. Place I’d least like to visit: Southampton / Liverpool.