ARTPOP has been possibly the most anticipated album release of the year, but unfortunately the album’s three way division between awful, average and amazing means that anticipation won’t be met by any beyond her beloved, if decreasing, Little Monsters.
The awful is spearheaded by ‘Jewels ‘N Dreams’. It’s truly hideous, not helped by the variously tired, tragic and terrible guest raps from T.I., Too $hort and Twista. ‘Sexxx Dreams’ is a painfully shrill song about sex, and ‘Swine’ is just far too long and irritating. ‘Mary Jane Holland’ is dire, because it seems like Gaga picked up a guidebook on Amsterdam and then wrote a song on the city showcasing its pot and prostitutes. Lastly, the lead track ‘Aura’ is a mess of genres crashed together in a cacophony that leaves you reaching for mute over repeat.
Things do improve marginally with the average five. Current single ‘Do What U Want (feat. R. Kelly)’ is a marked improvement in the urban collaboration department, but beyond the chorus it is uninspiring. Likewise, ‘Fashion!’ despite dabbling in disco, doesn’t really risk going all out and thus comes across too piecemeal. Emotive ballad ‘Dope’ at least sounds vulnerable but seems a little bland amidst the more enticing songs of the album, and 90s dance track ‘MANiCURE’ springs along merrily enough, but relies upon yet another boring sex metaphor. Title track ‘ARTPOP’ could be fabulous, were it not for the fact that the lyrics “my Artpop could be anything,” basically torpedo the artistic integrity of the whole album.
The average and ugly aside though and there’s five fabulous songs. ‘Applause’ is a dazzling slice of dance-pop, and current promo single ‘Venus’ is beautifully bizarre, delivering planetary name-checking including, “Uranus – don’t you know, my ass is famous?” ‘G.U.Y’ shows off Gaga’s gregarious personality in a delightful way, exploiting slow pulsating beats and staccato delivery for a piece of pop perfection. Likewise, ‘Gypsy’ indulges Gaga’s carefree attitude and is suitably uplifting.
The real highlight though is fabulously camp and ravishingly ridiculous ‘Donatella’. “I am so fab, check out, I’m blonde, I’m skinny, I’m rich and a bit of a bitch,” she slurs after a glass of wine being poured plays on the intro. “What do you wanna wear this spring? What do you think is the new thing? What do you want to wear this season?” Gaga quizzes in her best impersonation of one of fashion’s foremost figures. The lyrics are so ludicrous that were it anyone without Gaga’s sheer presence you’d be giggling; “Just ask your gay friends for their advice before you, get a spray tan on holiday, in Taipei,” she counsels on a common problem for most people. It’s a glimmer of how glorious ARTPOP might have been.
Ultimately, ARTPOP’s good outweighs the bad, but the bad is so absolutely heinous it detracts from some of the dizzying heights reached by Gaga. I’m not sure whether Gaga includes more songs because she feels her fans want it, or deserve it, but in ARTPOP’s case some astute trimming down would have done it the world of good; as phenomenal as some of the songs are, at regular intervals there’s a dire one to ruin the vibe of the piece. A real shame, considering the quality of some of the pop music on offer.