Last Tuesday, my happy procrastination via the medium of the delightful Fiddles, Cheats & Scams on ITV1 was rudely interrupted by an incident of MIND- BLOWING RACISM. It’s true. Moving on from comforting tales of Machiavellian tax-dodging socialists and other assorted contrepreneurs, I was confronted with the shocking story of Barry and Mary Small, on first glance an innocent old couple from Antrim, who are soon revealed to have been involved in a SCAM OF DISGUSTING PROPORTIONS. To make matters worse, in court, Barry sells his long- suffering wife up the Liffey. Needless to say, the whole sorry tale is accompanied by scenes of rolling green cow pasture and a rollicking Gaelic jig.
English people may not have picked up on the implications of this racist portrait. In fact, I expect you not to have, cause you’re all in- stitutionalised and slaves to the man. But as a Northern Irishman, adrift in a foreign land where the word ‘power’ has two syllables and buses tend to be used for transport rather than barricades, I’m attuned to these subtleties. The fact of the matter is, English TV hates the Northern Irish.
I was first exposed to this filth as a child, while watching Neighbours (a programme SYNDICATED by the BBC – racists). Enter stage right: Connor O’Neill, a loveable Irish rogue. However, he is soon discovered to have stolen Tad’s wallet – what a scoundrel! But it’s okay, there’s a reason for his devilish behav- iour, as the denizens of Ramsay Street soon find out that Connor is illiterate – what a stupid man!
Modern soaps have bravely picked up on this venerable tradition. Yeah, I’m pretty much looking at you Hollyoaks (written by racists and broadcast by a famously racist company). A quick audit of the Northern Irish characters on the show reveals this. Cheryl Brady – tremendous chav. Brendan Brady – psychopath. Kris Fisher –- cross-dressing KNOBHEAD, spells his name funny.
Joking aside, England has been lovely and kind and tolerant of my Northern Irishness since I arrived here. To be honest, much of the hate is reserved for Ballykissangel. But y’all are racists.