Whenever my ex-boyfriend and I walked about town, more often than not we attracted funny looks from everyone. You see, we were an interesting pair – I’m a philosophy student here at York and he was, well, he was a forty year old hedge fund manager.
The first time I started dating much older men was when I was 18, he was a teacher at a neighbouring school, and although I had left my own, some of my friends had been taught by him for their GCSEs – discovering that made for an interesting night at the pub! We had a brief tempestuous affair, it was a far cry from the adolescent dating experiences my friends were going through – I was thrown head first into the world of dinner parties full of smug married couples and adult discussions about, well, taxes mostly. His friends were all very welcoming but I can only imagine the concerned conversations they were having about him behind his back!
He had this bizarre hang up about sex, he didn’t want to corrupt me, so while he’d let me go down on him on a golf course, he’d never actually have sex with me. I liked pushing his boundaries, so one day, I called him ‘sir’ in bed, and he told me off at once, even though he admitted later that he’d liked it.
The smug feeling of superiority soon faded, and the shine of having a teacher – so off limits! – boyfriend wore thin when I found myself interceding in fights on his behalf as his drinking habits worsened. He ended up being more adolescent than even the most childish of my college friends. I ended it when I left for my gap year, determined to finally find someone as mature as I was.
I’ve dated many older men since then, but it was my latest that really put things into perspective. It’s immensely flattering to the ego to have an older man hang on your every word, and that’s exactly what this hedge fund manager did. He was enamoured of me and treated me like an absolute princess. He would pick me up to go to dinner in his Audi and splash out on five course meals. He’d take me shopping and and lavish me with gifts – and in return I’d be a perfect attentive girlfriend.
Older men seek something different from their younger girlfriends. They want someone to listen to them, to flatter them with attention and admiration and to revive them with their own youthfulness. It’s easy to fall for this kind of relationship, but it’s not an even balance of power – and it’s definitely not an honest one.
When you’re a younger girl, it’s very easy to think that you’re different, that older men go for you because you’re exceptionally mature or because you’re enchanting and witty and scintillating. The longer you spend with these older men though, the more you realise what kind of man seeks comfort in the arms of a younger woman, and more often it’s because they themselves haven’t grown up yet. It certainly shattered my preconceptions about the world of adult dating. My hedge fund manager ex and I eventually broke up because I had begun dating older men for a touch of sophistication, while he had wanted me to revive his inner youth. The two ideals clashed with him, as they did with every older man I’ve been with. I wouldn’t recommend it.
I think you may find there is perhaps surprisingly little correlation between age and sophistication.