So Results Night is upon us – one of the biggest nights of the year. Thousands of young people opening envelopes, being patronised and mocked in the great British press and then heading into metropolitan centres across the country to get really pissed, in an apparent assault course of preparation for three years at university.
You have been probably been looking forward to this night since about early May. Today was the liver-destroying light at the end of the A-Levels tunnel. So the York Vision team have racked their brains and come up with short snippets of advice on how to celebrate the evening.
Do feel happy/smug/ecstatic/whatever other synonym you wish for. However many organs of the media may try and put you down, this is an achievement and you do deserve to celebrate.
Don’t forget to actually sort out dropping out of the system or deferring your offer until next year if you are taking a gap year. I forgot…until about 11.30pm, when I wasn’t really in a fit state to ring the University of York and explain to them that I wouldn’t be gracing their hallowed halls for another 12 months.
Do be emotional if you have to be.
Don’t cry. You look like a fool, a sobbing tearful fool.
Do start to celebrate as soon as possible.
Don’t try to start celebrating as hard as possible at 10.30am. You will inevitably reach 2pm in a paralytic state vomiting Frosties (or whatever else you might have had for breakfast) in to a pub toilet.
Do remain friendly and inquisitive about what results all your friends got.
Don’t keep repeating that you got three As, including nearly full marks in one of your modules. The first time you said it you sounded hard-working and clever. The fifteenth time it is repeated you just sound like a cock.
Do celebrate however you like and whatever way will make you happiest.
Don’t feel that this automatically means that you (like every other 18-year-old in the country) has to pour into whatever provincial centre is nearby because you think this is the only way to celebrate Results Night. Stumbling around and falling into a bush in a city centre feels much like stumbling around and falling into a bush in one of your mate’s gardens.
Do ask people where they are going to uni next year.
Don’t bother if you know that someone’s answer will be York St John. Just spare everyone the embarrassment of a seeing a person air their dirty laundry in public.
Do see this as pretty much the end of your school career. For some this will be a tearful good bye. For others it will be a massive relief.
Don’t see this ceremonial end to your school years as an opportunity to find that idiot you have had to put up with at school for 11 years and drunkenly rant at him about how he is the scum of the earth and should (as a service to humanity) attempt to find a well and throw himself down it, tonight if possible.
Do get really drunk…if you want to. Results Night is one of those rare and wonderful nights where a lot of things suddenly become strangely excusable. (Include on this list is freshers’ week).
Don’t convince yourself after the ninth shot that tonight is the night to wear a traffic cone on your head and have a good old joke with the local police force. In the current political and social climate you might not want to test how far the police are willing to excuse you for everything.
Do steal the traffic cone anyway.
Don’t get caught.
I don’t need to be told how to enjoy myself thanks.