Fundawear

Long distance relationships are never the easiest thing to keep alive, but thanks to technology, keeping in touch is a lot easier than ever before. Texts, Skype, calls and other instant messaging are all there to help along the way. However, Durex didn’t think this was enough! Durex Fundawear is the new long distance relationship helper, providing the ability to physically contact your loved one through the use of a smart phone.

The new vibrating his and hers underwear can be controlled by your partner, as they touch a spot on the app’s diagram, creating and I quote now, “a panoply of orgasmic sensations for your partner to enjoy.” Skype has never seemed so ancient!

Although it’s quite a controversial invention, it’s hard to criticise the development in technology. Using the same receptors that are in smart phones, small vibrators are inserted in the underwear and receive signals from the smart phone, creating the world’s first well developed vibrating underwear. Sensing pressure, speed and overall intensity, the new Durex invention could become one of the most impressive romance inventions to date, helping long distance partners all over the world.

Durex is one of those brands you never really think about all that much, but their quiet monopoly on all things carnal has been going for nigh on a hundred years now, and they seem keen on continuingly expanding their repertoire. The products section on the Durex website currently advertises a vast array of products, coming in all manner of inventive styles and flavors and some rather intricate little gadgets which are perhaps best left untouched upon in this newspaper.

But does anybody else feel like they’ve stumbled into an episode of Black Mirror here? I mean come on, you don’t have to be Mary Whitehouse or Peter Hitchens to feel a little bit unsettled by this sordid and slightly dark concept. The whole thing sounds like the sort of creation Howard Wolowitz would dream up on The Big Bang Theory. Does this one invention encapsulate the view of our society as over-sexualized, overly technology reliant and in a state of irretrievable moral decline, sliding ever more towards a sort of space age Gomorrah? Perhaps not, but it can’t just be me whose initial gut reaction is to feel a tad uncomfortable about Fundawear. Maybe it’s a British thing.

So far all we’ve really got to go on with Fundawear is a frankly bizarre online promo video in which an Australian couple Skype each other wearing their respective sets, and repeatedly say “I wanna touch you” in a slightly surreal exchange, before the smartphones come out and much oooh errr carry-on-esque antics and facial expressions ensue. As far as I can ascertain, Fundawear is primarily designed as a tool for maintaining long distance relationships. Maintaining in the, ahem, biblical sense so to speak. You know, like a sort of advanced version of phone sex. Now, I’m led to believe that being in a long distance relationship is, broadly, a bit of a shitter, and I dare say that Fundawear is on the scale of enjoyable activities, better than a kick in the teeth. So by all means, if this strikes you as something you might like to try, knock yourself out. Far be it from us to tell you otherwise.

Durex are already calling their new product “the future of foreplay” although it seems that the product is not planned for widespread commercial release anytime soon. However I’m reliably informed that Durex are planning on giving away sets via their Facebook page. So perhaps give that a try if you simply cannot wait for Fundawear to hit the high street (assuming of course there’s one left by the time Durex get around to mass production).

For my mind the most lucrative aspect of Fundawear is its potential for untold levels of slightly twisted practical joker-y. Picture the scene. You know your other half is wearing their set in a lecture or seminar, or perhaps a job interview or on the bus. Yes, do you follow where I’m going with this? Right well then I’ll let your imagination fill in the blanks on that one.