In the game of love, all parties ultimately seek a sustainable and long-lasting peace. Yet, despite this mutual ambition, there are horror stories a-hundred spilling out of the dating battlefield, and it is undeniable that there is something of a gulf between expectation and reality. Specifically, there is something of a distance between the deliciously handsome, charming gentlemen we hold in high esteem, our ‘crushes’, and the average looking, considerably ordinary boys we wake up next to the morning after the night before. The ‘conquered’.
So, what accounts for this discrepancy? What separates the crushed from the conquered? Ultimately, the answer lies in the fundamentals of attack strategy.
The LBD and the V.K. are the W.M.D. of the dating world. These weapons of choice are guaranteed to create an instant and dramatic impact. Unfortunately, much like their military counterpart, the LBD-VK duo may deliver somewhat indiscriminate results.
Aside from the inevitable uninvited bum grope and tit-pervert situation, the LBD and VK have a history of lowering standards. Precisely how this occurs remains unknown. However, once the LBD-VK duo has been employed, there is a strong likelihood that conquest stats may rise. Meanwhile, crushes, often put off by slurring and erratic behaviour, typically remain absent throughout LBD-VK episodes.
The second tactic known for alienating a crush, and producing many an accidental conquest, is the classic lighter-borrow or cigarette steal. When combined with the lash bat, extra lip-gloss and a sprinkle of charisma, this weapon is an easy way to disarm the enemy, ignite conversation and claim victory in the early hours.
Tragically, however, as the familiar follow up to the LBD-VK duo, this weapon falls prey to the same weaknesses. Both your knickers and your standards are likely to be found somewhere around your ankles by the end of the evening.
So, if the LBD-VK duo and the classic lighter-borrow are both prone to high rates of collateral damage, how exactly does one snare that elusive, much crushed upon chap? Well, I’d be lying if I claimed there was a magic answer to this question; female history is blighted by a preoccupation with pursuing an apt response. However, there are certainly guidelines, and more importantly, there are a few clearly black listed weapons.
The drunken message, in all formats, is 100% black listed. Be it a text, tweet, Facebook message, smoke signal, or hand-written letter. It is empirically proven that nothing but embarrassment can come from instigating drunken communication.
Tempted by the appealing immediacy of a casual message and the apparent simplicity of the send button, hundreds of good women have fallen to this sword (myself included!). Invariably, this weapon produces unintended embarrassing consequences. Victims will find themselves plagued by the sort of morning after panic that makes you want to smother yourself with your own duvet, because, yes, death WOULD be preferable.
This initial horror is likely to haunt victims – manifesting itself as shrieks, squeals and wails of the words “cringe”, “FML” and “kill me now” throughout the day.
The second black listed weapon is ‘the chat’. Seemingly innocuous, ‘the chat’ involves slyly and subtly mentioning your undying love for your crush to one of his close friends, typically while intoxicated. Much like the drunken message, ‘the chat’ had a fluffy and enticing exterior. However, results are rarely as anticipated. ‘The chat’ bares hallmarks of horror identical to those associated with the drunken message.
So, with the female arsenal significantly refined, what weapons remain for the game of love? This is when the guidelines come into play.
Instigating peace talks is the way to go. Good chat is the only sure fire way to capture the crushed. An army of eye-wateringly funny stories and an alluring laugh are guaranteed to begin bridging the gulf.
Meanwhile, in the period of overlap, as you begin to instigate retreat from the old tactics of LBD-VK, lighter-borrow, and the drunk message, aim to be prepared for accidental conquests:
– Bring flat shoes
– Don’t go braless
– Always have cash for a taxi
Finally, try and remember that in the morning, you will be sober and that eventually, you will have to leave the battlefield, bringing all your war wounds with you…
The Girl I Wish I Wasn’t