It’s cold, it’s dark, it’s snowy. You have wet socks, a Poundland advent calendar and you’re sick of having constant hat hair thanks to your new Russian inspired number. But here at Vision, we’re all about the festive cheer, especially the XMAS CHOONAGE. Father Bitchmas and his little helpers look at this years contenders for Christmas number one…
First of all, there is the obvious contender, the winner of X Factor. Everybody is talking about it, you don’t even have to tune in on a Saturday night to find out what’s going on thanks to constant Facebook commentary across the globe. But who will win? Who cares, they will only release a half-hearted cover with a tacky key change anyway. Alas, if the winner does not take it all (note poor Joe McElderry missing out last year) Gamu Nhengu is fresh from the deportation office and has hit the studio to record a song ‘Where Will You Sleep Tonight?’ All proceeds from the single’s sales will go to the children’s charity Aberlou, raising money to help Scottish families and children. Four for you Gamu Nhengu, you go Gamu Nhengu!
Next up, the woman who gets us in a Diva Fever, Mariah ‘Mimi’ Carey has released a whole album devoted to the season of festive frolics. Sixteen years after the iconic ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’, Mariah releases ‘Oh Santa’, a fun filled extravaganza of cheerful cheese. We’ve seen Mariah come a long way during the last two years, from staring in the gritty drama ‘Precious’ and now to her back in her comfort zone singing ‘Ho Ho Ho’ in a slutty Mrs. Claus outfit.Obviously, after last year’s success, there will also be those ridiculous Facebook groups trying to convince us that commercialism is not the way forward for Christmas Number 1. One example from this year is for John Cage’s 4’33”, which is a three part symphony of complete silence. At the time of writing, the group had over 30,000 fans and numbers continue to grow as the end of the month draws near. Surely you wouldn’t want to waste your money paying for silence?!
‘Surfin’ Bird’, often known for its appearance on Family Guy, is also rumoured to reach the top spot thanks to a group of over excited students. The group has 600,000 members and counting and is looking like a popular option to tip The X Factor this year.
Perhaps most surprising is the offering from everyone’s surrogate TV dad, Harry Hill, with his new song ‘I Wanna Baby’. What were you thinking Harry?! The potential Christmas hit stars a chav from a council estate who wants a baby. It’s been hailed as “blood curdlingly bad” and whoever said that was right – who wants a song about a chav and a baby to be played on the radio every five minutes over the period of Christmas cheer?
Our final tip for the top spot is Rick Astley, with 80s favourite Never Gonna Give You Up. We’ve all been RickRolled – could this be the best yet?