Celebrity Philosophies

Following on from the new David Beckham-inspired school of thought, Becksistentialism, we put on our philosophy caps at the Vision office and mused about other celebrity inspired branches of philosophy. Here’s what CALLUM SHANNON, ZENA JARJIS, HELENA HORTON and JAMES SCOTT came up with…

Seintology

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld has changed the tone of his stand-up. Instead of being ‘about nothing’, Seinfeld’s comedy routine will now focus on the greatness of the Church of Seintology. Sample material: “have you ever noticed how human beings (and talking bees) are immortal spirits who have forgotten their true nature?” Masturbation is strictly forbidden in the Church of Seintology, so Jerry will continue to be the master of his domain. Larry David has also joined the Church of Seintology, and he tells Vision that he thinks this new religion is “pretty, pretty, pretty good.” The official dress code of the Church of Seintology is a puffy shirt.

Kantye West

Everyone else may think he’s delusional, but Kanye refuses to believe that what he thinks is only his fantasy. At the much-hyped 2013 Philosophy Awards, Kanye was spotted taking the microphone out of Locke’s hands during his acceptance speech, shouting “Yo John, I’m really happy for you and I’mma let you finish, but Kant had the greatest philosophy of all time! Of all time!” His recent episode on Radio 1 may have damaged his reputation, but it was in fact a subtle Critique of Poor Reason.

Hannah Montaoism

Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montanna have finally found a way to truly experience the best of both worlds! Miley and her split personality will from now on be living in harmony with  the Tao. The twerk queen has decided that the opposing forces in the her life, blonde and brunette- are manifestations of yin and yang. She will be following the Taoistic principle of naturalness and is ditching the yellow horn donut things on her head in favour of  her brown wavy locks. It may seem a bit out there, but it’s her philosophy, she can do what she wants!

Beyoncynicism

The famed singer has decided not only that she doesn’t need a man (Single Lady!) but that she does not need any possessions either. Reportedly outside her mansion is a skip filled with gold lycra and diamonds after her drastic change of heart. This may also explain why she has recently abandoned her weave. She’s also decided that true happiness depends on self-sufficiency, saying “Me, myself and I, that’s all I got in the end!” Is anyone else having Deja Vu? Join Beyonce and learn how to enjoy natural pleasures instead of revelling in the joys of the synthetic. So if you like it… don’t put a ring on it.

Andrew Marr-xism

Returning to his socialist routes, Andrew Marr has decided to stop interviewing the Prime Minister and other mainstream politicians in place of the likes of Arthur Scargill and has banned all newspapers except the Socialist Worker from his show. He sticks to his promises of equality by being equally dismissive of every capitalist he encounters. In the name of collective industry, Andrew has melted down his famous covetable and obtained a 1970s Lada, which he drives to the BBC studio in accompanied by the tune of “The Red Flag” played on saxophone. The revolution will be televised! (By the BBC on Sunday mornings).

Thomism

Finding solidarity with Aquinas- as they are both hated and derided by members of their respected fields- Thom Yorke decided to follow Aquinas’ example and find God. He can now be seen skipping around the street, and his band, Radiohead have undergone a drastic transition, becoming a happy Christian rock band. He is also rumoured to have swapped his vegetarianism for celibacy- abstaining from bodily pleasures which distract the mind from the Moral Good.