All you need is love?

Today is Valentine’s Day. Love is in the air! But the hopeless romantics amongst you should not be too quick to celebrate; the most recent figures from the Office of National Statistics (ONS) have revealed that the number of us getting hitched has continued to fall to its lowest level since the 1800s.

Traditionally, if you were to ask anyone to explain the raison d’être of marriage they would say ‘love’. As Frank Sinatra put it, ‘love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage’. Endless romantic comedies, romance novels and Disney films shove down our throats the notion that all loving relationships begin with a big white wedding. But the fact that so many couples are now simply opting to cohabit (a sharp increase to almost three million), rather than head down the aisle, indicates a clear shift in culture.

Defying the trend, the number of religious weddings taking place is actually on the up! Last year saw the biggest increase in ceremonies taking place in the Church of England in a decade. Is marriage starting to become less about love and more about cultural and religious expectations? Why is the institution of marriage so important to religious people?

Vision spoke to Charlotte Hill, a Christian third-year Chemistry student at York, about the role that her faith played in her decision to get married last summer, at the tender age of 21: “It was important for me to get married in a church rather than go to a registry office. As Christians, we wanted God to be part of it. We had it in my home church. It was special for us because it was where we met and it was where my parents got married as well.”

Charlotte’s closeness to her family and to the rest of the church community has also shaped her view of marriage: “It was a relatively big wedding with 200 people there and a big reception afterwards. The most important thing was having all those people come.”

“My family obviously wanted me to marry a Christian; there was a definite expectation that I would. But at the same time it was very much a personal decision. I wanted to marry a Christian because I want to share my life with someone who has the same beliefs and values as me”.Whilst Charlotte’s family situation clearly influenced her choices, she was anxious to point out that she was ultimately free to make her own decisions.

Fauziyyah Manap, a Muslim first-year Psychology student at York, expressed a similar sentiment. Her faith dictates that her family will play an even greater role when the time comes for her to marry.

Fauziyyah intends for her father to choose a husband for her: “I don’t want to choose my own husband. I asked my dad to choose for me because I trust him and because he knows me better than anybody else”.
In our increasingly liberal society, this form of arranged marriage can seem a complete anathema to some. It can be argued that such practice hearkens to the misogynistic origins of marriage, where women were chattels to be traded between father and husband.

Fauziyyah completely rejects any idea that she might be oppressed. Islam, she explains, emphasises the inner character rather than superficiality. Dressing and behaving modestly means that people focus more on who she is and not what she looks like. Her father choosing her husband for her doesn’t necessarily mean her marriage will be loveless, either, just a different type of love. Rather than passionate and hyper-sexualised love, Fauziyyah emphasises the importance of having a partner “who will bring peacefulness and calmness to our lives.”

The seemingly conservative attitudes to women, sex and marriage entrenched in so many religions can be difficult for many of us to understand. One anonymous student explained to us how frustrated she had been while dating a Catholic boy who was opposed to sexual intercourse before marriage but less opposed to receiving other favours: “Why is God okay with him receiving blow jobs but not okay with him giving anything back?!”

Reflecting on how her religious beliefs affected her and her husband’s relationship before their wedding, Charlotte told us: “We didn’t have sex before marriage. My opinion was that that was something special for after marriage. Sex is a very intimate thing and so I only ever wanted to have it with the one person”.

Perhaps the sharp rise in the number of people choosing religious weddings is due to an increasingly prevalent view amongst young people that ‘things have gone too far’ in terms of how relaxed society now is about sex and relationships. We are, after all, of a generation who have not had to fight nearly as much as those before us for freedom of choice when it comes to sex, love and marriage.

For some young people, attempting to reconcile a religious background with modern-day social expectations is more of a challenge than it is for the likes of Charlotte and Fauziyyah. Second-year English student Natalie Ellis is Jewish and explained how many of her friends feel unwanted pressure to marry within their religion and culture. It puts pressure on their relationships; while other students are out dating whoever they please, they have to be careful about to whom they get attached.

Natalie tells us: “I think a lot of parents worry if their children, particularly at our sort of age, are starting to date people who aren’t Jewish. They start to get concerned that that’s going to end up being something permanent! There’s a couple of my friends in a situation where their parents are tolerating their relationships rather than accepting them”.

“A big part of it is about placating your family. Grandparents particularly tend to be the ones that are hardest to deal with because they’re of the age where they feel like they have to defend their religion. They see marrying out of Judaism as giving in to people who don’t want the faith to continue”.

Natalie highlights how complicated marriage can be for religious people. Rather than a simple case of love trumping all, choosing a partner can require a delicate balance between personal and familial happiness. Natalie notes: “it’s about family and it’s about cultural heritage as well. It’s not just about the religion. I’d find it really difficult if I had to leave behind Jewish cultural practices”.

If cultural practices are so important, perhaps the spike in the number of religious marriages isn’t really about religion at all. Claire Curtis-Ward, a second-year English and History of Art student, is at best a ‘cultural Christian’ but still wants her wedding to be in the same church as her parents. This is not about God for her, but rather about tradition. “I like aspects of traditions that don’t impose on moral beliefs,” she told us.

Last year saw endless big church weddings splashed across the pages of our newspapers and magazines. From Kate Moss to Lily Allen, everyone is having religious ceremonies; it’s even been dubbed ‘the Wills and Kate effect’. Debbie Codd, an editor at Wedding magazine, observes: “Seeing the royal wedding, its fabulous setting and all the paraphernalia that goes with a religious ceremony, makes people think it would be lovely to do the same.”

Religious marriage clearly carries very different meanings for different people. For some it’s strictly about faith. Others see it a symbol of family and cultural ties. For many it’s just about the beautiful aesthetic of a religious ceremony. As important as these issues are, however, we remain convinced that marriage without love can hardly be worth signing up for. Since it’s Valentine’s Day we’ll be soppy and plump to concur with The Beatles: whatever your beliefs, “all you need is love!”