Our food editors took to the hallowed aisles of Nisa to create the perfect Valentine's Day recipes: one with a higher-end budget, and the other with a more typical (i.e. non-existent) student budget. Total cost of this meal: £4.92, for the stingy bastards amongst you!
Not quite gourmet, definitely not homemade, and potentially not even edible hotdogs
Ingredients:
Warburton’s sub rolls (80p), Heritage ketchup (69p), Prince’s hotdogs (59p), Danish salami (£1), 2 Babybels (£1), Cheestring (59p), Optional extra: Echo Falls Rose (£1.99)
Method:
Before you begin, you must picture the lucky recipient of this luxurious meal being completely overcome with feelings of gratitude and unworthiness. Do not forget this image…ever.
If you plan to warm up your sausage, do so now according to instructions on back of tin, but personally I prefer my sausage on the cool side.
Whilst these are warming, or not, slice open the two sub rolls
Next, get out your favourite serving plate/s and place the two, now open, sub rolls down in a loving manner
Now go to town on these rolls, smothering them in your ketchup
When you are happy with the temperature of the sausages, slip them into the moist buns
The next step is to wack out your salami and slide them onto the plate/s. With these bad boys you are going to create art – be they breasts, or simply decorated with hearts, the choice is yours. To create the magical things however, we are going to use our trusty ketchup.
Finally, for the savoury side of this feast, we shall create a cheesy penis, as who, in their right mind, can refuse one of those. To create this masterpiece we will simply unwrap the two babybel and cheestring and lay them in a penis-like fashion. If you are unsure what this is like, have a look at the photo for guidance. *WARNING* If you or your loved one is not so well-endowed, bite the end off as this gem of a specimen may make even the most cock-sure gentleman feel slightly underdressed.
Final touches – decorate any free plate space with ketchup designs, e.g. lovehearts
Double Dip
Ingredients:
Double dip (25p)
Method:
For this either simply take turns with you and your beau seductively licking and dipping into the bag of delights, or for a more sensory experience, pour the sherbet into your bellybutton, or any other cave like bodily structure you would like, and get said lover you dip, or double dip, their swizzlestick in there to pick up the droplets of joy.
For under a fiver you have created the perfect Valentine’s meal. However, if you do have some change to spare, why not nab a tiny bottle of Echo Creek for only £1.99. Of course, if you really are strapped for cash, you can always make do with each other’s bodily fluids.