RA TA TA TA TA TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…. Its the THIRD ANNUAL York Vision television awards. Celebrating the best, and absolutely holy-shit “MY GOD WHY WAS IT MADE ARGH ARGH I WANT TO GOUGE OUT MY EYES WITH A BLUNT INSTRUMENT” worst of the television and radio industry. Take your seats, fasten your tie and get ready to feel each other up.
“Why Are You On Radio?” Award: “I’m Fearne Cotton. Welcome to my radio show, and for its entirety I will be painting a plant for no fucking reason.”
“Why Are You On Television?” Award: “YOYOYO hello it’s James Corden. I’m fat and I’m funny.” (insert sound of a hyena for 45 minutes) HA HA HA HA HA HA ha ha ha HA HA HA.
Worst Television Channel: Still ITV1. I don’t know why but whenever I watch it I always feel that I am unclean and I desperately need to wash. Plus the news is directed by opinionated three year olds… Afghanistan IT’S ALL GOING WRONG, the economy IS STILL A BIT SHIT INNIT, look – David Cameron! CONSERVATIVES ARE FITTIES. Look at this dog IT IS A BIT MENTAL. And now the weather, set in the 1970s and presented by a woman who might stab you in your sleep.
Best Event: The Elections 2010. We found out that David Dimbelby is A MACHINE, that leaders debates made LITTLE DIFFERENCE, that Rupert Murdoch must have PISSED himself for approximately three days straight, that Adam Boulton is a SH*T, that Twitter is a BEAST and the country is probably fucked for the next three years.
Most Expensive Programme Of The Year: “Welcome to Wonders of the Solar System. I’m Brian Cox. Now, we start in the Catalona Desert to talk about sunshine. But why is the sun so hot? To emphasise that you now join me in rural India. Here, I will use simple garden instruments to emphasise why the sun radiates heat. Look at that. But why does heat matter? Well you now join me in desolate Antarctica. Brrrrrr….. it’s mighty cold here. I’m Brian Cox and this is why I love science.”
Most Annoying Radio Personality of the Year Award: “I’M ZANE LOWE. ARE YOU ON BOARD??? Shut up.
Programme That Has The Least Relation To The Topic That It Is Actually Advertising Award: “Hi, I’m Heston 
Blumental, and welcome to the programme where I cook for ten annoying or relatively unknown celebrities. I love the 1970s. I really like this decade and I think it was a fantastic decade for food, not because the production team completely ran out of topics and told me to make three random related courses at a drop of a hat. The pudding is chocolate. I like chocolate. The Romans liked chocolate because of its sexual healing powers. So to find out more I will now be going to a strip party where women rub cocoa powder into their bosoms and scream loudly at the site of a bar of chocolate shaped like a penis.” No really, this really happened.
Most Misplaced Character: John Barrowman. He has moved on from being an omnisexual man with botox, sex problems and LOADS of daleks in Doctor Who and Torchwood, to a camper than camp cruise singer with various hits, to a mental serial killer without an accent in the one the only Desperate Housewives. “Coming up next. John Barrowman is a CIA agent who must deactivate a nuclear bomb from a slutty strip club in Los Angeles, and then will Angie and Jill find a reasonable cottage in Stevenage? John Barrowman has some loft conversions that will surprise you.”
The Pointless Festival Coverage Award: Glastonbury. No I know Glastonbury is some kind of middle class sexual reawakening, or like Woodstock but with 9 month ticketing arrangements, but why does it have to be televised? It’s awful for what it does to us. Television dramas can be inspirational and help aspire us to a better non-existent life. Glastonbury is very much the same in what it shows, but instead of inspiring me to a better life, I’m watching people having outdoor sex listening to Stevie Wonder wearing Michael Jackson t-shirts, whilst I am stuck at home in my pants eating an Pot Noodle, occasionally bashing the walls to stop my neighbours in Hull Road having chavvy sex.
Best Advice of the Year Award: Lee Nelson’s Well Good Show – No don’t watch it. It’s shit. Really really shit.
Biggest Build-Up to the Biggest Anti-Climax Award: Heroes. Oh my goodness that was an amazing first series with great plot development, great acting and real twists. Save the Cheerleader? Save the world! Haha! Now lets get series 2 going *loads it into DVD player* *errr* Wtf??? OH MY???? OH MY FUCKING GOD? WHAT IS HAPPPPEENNING… WWTTFFFFFFFFFF YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUssssssssssssssS!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND…. Goodbye:
After 3 years, 25 issues and quite a few hangovers I am leaving teleVISION for vague unemployment and country life. Thanks to everyone who allowed me to write these words for so long, and most importantly to you, dear reader, for reading them. Follow my future rants at ohthattvblog.wordpress.com. For the time being, I wish you well and I leave you with the amazing last words of Conan O’Brien, during his last edition of the Tonight Show in February this year: “Please do not be cynical. It doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. I’m telling you, it’s just true”.