This goes out to all the girls starting at York! I’ve learned a lot at University- Philosophy, how to make lasagne and the rules to pub golf- more or less- but what I am about to tell you now is probably the most important thing I learned (yes, even more important than pub-golf rules) and so I thought I’d help a sister out and share them with you…
So, you’re finally moving away from your hometown where maybe, like me, you have lived your whole life. This means you’ve probably been around the same boys your whole life and where, apart from that one friend with the older boyfriend, you don’t meet any new boys and all the old ones you either already went out with in year 5 when he two-timed you by holding hands with another of your supposed ‘BFFs’ or else you have all-to-strong memories of them going through their fart joke stage (years 3-7), then the bully stage (year 8) and then the voice-breaking, bad skin, bad hair stage (years 10-11). Then by the time you get to Sixth-form or college they are already established as ‘just friends’.
But now it is the new academic year and soon you will be moving into halls and there will be boys literally everywhere. And I do mean ‘literally’ in its proper sense: they will be hiding in your wardrobe because you left your door unlocked (SURPRISE!), climbing on the roof when they get back from a night out, thinking ‘Mate, this will be hilarious’ and sometimes just napping in the kitchen after finishing their cheesy-chips at 4am (Zzzzzzz). As I say, it’s a whole new world! Some of them even have completely new accents which they can, at any moment, deploy as a weapon of mass seduction; be warned.
While freshers may be a complete rush, a blur, a hazy reality, it is also a rude awakening. I wasn’t a virgin when I started university but neither was I very experienced, and a lot of people were in the same boat. So first of all for goodness sake do not worry about that!!! Some people might be full on Lotharios and be able to list hundreds of sex positions that neither sound safe nor sexy (Swiss ball blitz? The Snow Angel? The Horny Mantis?) while, for others, the closest thing they’ve had to sex was a kiss behind the bike shed in year 9 (ON THE LIPS!!!). Sometimes not even that, but don’t panic, it is all completely normal and completely fine and mostly people don’t care either way. I can bet the only person that gives a damn is you, and if this applies to you here are my 4 pieces of advice, signed, sealed, delivered, they’re yours!
1. Virginity is probably not as important as you have built it up to be.
Ooh, controversial.
What I mean by this is that ‘saving yourself for marriage’ can be romantic but it can also be a bit strange. If it is something that is EXPECTED of you then you’re sorta being sent the message that your worth is based on the state of your hymen, which is whack. Also, it is good to question why it is you think this: what is so wrong about sex? Sometimes things that feel good are good too: strawberries, bubble baths and mind-blowing sex, to name but a few. Plus, think of the message it sends when it’s fine for boys but not for girls- what, why? In the words of Lil Kim; ‘If a girl do the same then she’s a whore’. Well no, you can’t hold us down (holla, Xtina) it can be safe, fully informed and consensual and on top of that hella fun.
And as for Your First Time, well as Kat Dennings in a truly awful film called ‘Daydream Nation’ said ‘maybe sex is neither as good or as bad as you thought it would be’. As someone who has been there, done that, I can tell you that your first time might not transport you into some other, as yet unexplored, universe where you feel as if you are floating and where everything is perfect, and more importantly, you probably won’t wake up the next day feeling like a whole new person; you’re the same person, you just got some. Your sex life does not define you, does not make you good/bad, cool/uncool and you shouldn’t let newspapers, magazines and Skins tell you otherwise.
2. That said, every time you have sex it should be because you want to, it should be completely your decision and because you are 100% sure.
As I said before don’t be afraid to say yes if it’s society that’s stopping you, but more importantly don’t be afraid to say no. Ever! Honestly I have known friends to bring a guy home and then think ‘Nahhhh, I’d rather order Dominos and fall asleep spooning the box, watching iPlayer’, and so they show him the door and outty. As Brett from Flight of the Conchords said ‘a kiss is not a contract, but it’s very nice’. There is no ‘it’s too late now’, just because he walked you home, or because you got a taxi back together or even because you told him you wanted to earlier that day/night does not mean you owe anything to him, you can totally change your mind. It’s your body and always always ALWAYS your choice. Don’t let anybody or anything convince you otherwise, even if he is like, totally hunky.
3. Get informed and stay safe.
I remember watching an episode of Jacqueline Wilson’s ‘Girls in Love’, when I was younger and one of the main characters decided she was ready to have sex, but her friends doubted her and made her take the ultimate R U READY? test: she had to buy a condom. As it turned out she was too embarrassed to and came out of the pharmacy with a face mask and some nail varnish or something.
Yeah it’s silly but there is something in that (Also who buys condoms? Get a bag full free from your Student Union or GP). If you’re ready for sex you should be able to talk about it- with doctors/nurses, with your friends, with your partner(/s ;-)) with at least one person you completely trust! You may think you are physically ready (/you may be really, really horny) but if you can’t talk about it and it easily embarrasses you then maybe you should wait a little longer and really get comfortable with it. Sometimes you have to be a sexual person on your own before you can be a sexual person with someone else, and even that can be a difficult thing to come to terms with. I know when I was in sixth form I was scared of wearing low-cut tops or anything too sexy; scared of my boobs, scared of being a sexual person. It’s important to be happy to be comfortable on your own before you go two-player (which is much the same was as I felt about Crash Team Racing and Guitar Hero).
Make sure sex is something you are ready for: to do that you need to understand it physically, emotionally and intellectually. Get all clued up about contraception, how to use contraception, STIs and pregnancy- get advice from friends, the web, TV, doctors, nurses etc, all of the above!
Sometimes I read about people believing all the strange myths like ‘you can’t get pregnant standing up/on your first time/if you both sing the hokey cokey while you’re doing it’ (okay I’ve never actually heard the last one, but it is no more ridiculous than the others) and a few months ago in a waiting room at the doctors I heard this one girl say to her friend ‘I’m late but I don’t understand; he pulled out!’.
Another thing- learn what a penis looks like: I had no idea before I saw one IRL, I didn’t even know what foreskin was, and from all the American TV shows I’d seen I assumed most men didn’t have one. In the UK most guys aren’t circumcised so don’t take everything you see on Friends or SitC as fact, it’s different across the pond. And let me tell you, there is little that is more of a turn off than complete surprise. A good place to start is to watch Channel 4’s ‘Sex Education Show’ if you haven’t seen it already (with your headphones on, late at night so as not to arouse Mum and Dad’s suspicion), but there are loads of good TV shows out there ready to let you know exactly what you are getting into (and out of, and into again hehehe).
And here’s my final tip, which my friend was told by her Mum when she was little:
4. Never have sex with someone smelly.
‘nuff said.
So freshers, enjoy your first time living away from home and don’t be too afraid of all the new things you learn about life, the universe and everything, after all you have presumably gone into further education to study (well study… and a bit of partying).
Everybody goes a bit crazy in first term, first year so be kind to yourself and to your new friends. Remember haters gon’ hate but your true friends will be in your room until 3AM laughing about whatever crazy thing you did last night, convincing you to go vegetarian and to come inter-railing next summer. You will change from September to Christmas so just be mindful and sure you’re doing things you’re doing things because you want to do them, not just because everyone else is (apart from lectures and seminars, you should do them even when you don’t want to and because everyone else is doing them). And always remember, in the great words (well sort of) of J-Lo: “Don’t be fooled by the [sex] that I got, I’m still I’m still [NAME] from the block. Used to have a little now I have a lot, doesn’t matter coz’ I know where I came from.: [From my hometown].”
While I appreciate the general imparting-personal-wisdom-that-is-relevant vibe of this piece, I’d really like to know what you mean by “[virginity]….can be a bit strange”? It’s just that you don’t seem to address it, rather moving on to explain how social pressure for females to maintain virginity is personally detrimental. This point is made while projecting a somewhat ‘fight the power – but responsibly’ message with which, by the way, I completely agree.
I only ask because whilst you’ve explained your other points in some depth it appears you’ve left that particular, somewhat if not entirely pejorative, view to float aimlessly in the ether somewhere.
Otherwise, good shout on the piece – it’s nice to have one of these every once in a while.
Did you really have to use the word ‘arouse’ preceding ‘mum and dad’ when talking about a sex show. I’m gonna have nightmares.
Sex is only ever appropriate in marriage. Marriage was designed by God and is the only means to establish true commitment. If you can’t keep your pants on before marriage, how can you be expected to remain loyal after marriage? Experience is completely irrelevant. It’s unquestionably better to only experience one person than to have a benchmark. Why should your future spouse have to put up with your previous exploits anyway?
In addition, no form of contraception apart from abstinence is 100% effective. Have you ever considered what happens in the event of a pregnancy? If you’re going to have sex, you should consider this or you’re not ready. If you’re a man, will you run away from responsibility or pressure her to abort? If you’re a woman, will you abort, i.e. murder, your own child? Can you really support a child? Unless you are prepared for children, you are NOT prepared for sex. You can argue otherwise all you like, but the fact is there have always been unwanted and unexpected pregnancies and many children sadly and needlessly slaughtered – if people didn’t mess around for the sake of their own pleasure.
If you’ve been affected by this message, Jesus invites you today to put your trust in him! Perhaps you feel guilty because you’ve had sex outside of marriage, or maybe you’ve even had an abortion. The good news is that no one is free from sin and therefore, YOU can be forgiven simply by seeking new life in Christ! He became our sin to set us free from guilt and to make us righteous not through our own works, but by God’s immeasurable grace through faith.
And please keep sex for marriage.
God’s Word can suck my dick. Outside of marriage.
To God’s Word,
Are you really trying to attract people to Christianity by calling them guilty hedonistic murderers?
@Michael Walker
You must understand ALL of humanity is guilty. ALL of humanity is equally worthy of condemnation. Humanity deserves NOTHING from God.
Does this sound sad? Well, no, because despite this, God still LOVES us, enough to send his only Son to redeem the his people. Completely undeserved love.
But we must acknowledge our sins and repent before we can be renewed, Michael. Then the great gift we have been given becomes clear. We need Jesus – we can’t earn any reward on our own. But if we are in Christ, then we are by no means given a licence to continue in degenerate ways.
Also – the penitent thief:
Luke 23:39-43:
One of the criminals who were hanged railed at him, saying, “Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!” But the other rebuked him, saying, “Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed justly, for we are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.” And he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” And he said to him, “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.”
The thief knows he deserves punishment for his wrongs and after believing in Jesus finds life.
Jesus has spared us sinners, telling us, ‘Go, and from now on sin no more.’
Mark 8:34-38:
And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul? For what can a man give in return for his soul? For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him will the Son of Man also be ashamed when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.”
I am quite familiar with the Bible and the teachings of Christianity, and have been attending CU toasties for three years now. It’ll take more than “You’re all guilty but god still loves you!” to convince me, I’m afraid.
But perhaps the Vision comments aren’t the place for a theological debate.
@ God’s word
1. Your username is a shameless piece of vanity… congratulation self appointed messiah
2. Congratulations for quoting large sections of the Bible, your use of cut and paste is amazing… remind me how this is meant to convince me you’re right?
3. Aside from talking about abortion, which is a different matter entirely- congrats on combining to different issues- can you give a non religious reason why sex outside of marriage is bad? I can guarantee your preaching will convince no-one who isn’t already a ‘Christian’.
4. Finally a little Bible quote for you… John, 8.7: “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her”
@God’sWords
“In addition, no form of contraception apart from abstinence is 100% effective.”
Not even that, Mary was abstinent right?
Also “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.” I swear my bf said something really similar before we had sex today, what a coincidence.
Trust me, I’m not a troll. I saw this article and its very worldly view of sex, and I have a right to expression, too. So I thought I’d add to the balance.
‘But perhaps the Vision comments aren’t the place for a theological debate.’ – I could equally say Vision isn’t the place for the promotion of a permissive society. But we are in the world after all. I’m glad you’ve engaged with CU toasties, Michael, and bear in mind people can only equip you and it is God who ultimately converts. We don’t choose to believe. So God bless you!
Now I will address some points.
1) I only use this user name to share biblical information. It’s not vanity. It’s not made up in my head. I am no Messiah. I also need forgiveness the same as anyone else.
2) God’s word has much more power than my own. The Bible is sufficient for all doctrine.
3) It’s not a different matter. Sex means children. Unwanted children means abortion. There’s a non-religious reason. There would be much less demand for abortions if there were no sex outside of marriage. Even if used correctly, the condom is only 98% effective. The 2% matters.
4) Yes, I am familiar with this verse. Am I judging anyone? No. I am making known God’s offer of forgiveness in accordance with the gospel. I do not want to throw stones and I do not desire anyone to be condemned. I myself would be condemned, but have attained forgiveness in Christ.
Someone else has answered this last point better than I can: http://www.gotquestions.org/do-not-judge.html
How can I highlight that this is GOOD news? Freedom from judgement – true life! Good news is what I seek to convey. But it is only good when we see it in the light of our brokenness. If Christians are to share the gospel as commanded, then we must also highlight the presence of sin in the world. Yet there is no need to despair: God has given a way out open to everyone.
I rejected God for eighteen years of my life, but then he brought me to him. I am excited about this gift and want more people to have it. Please don’t think I’m casting stones when I want to throw a life line. And I will not save any of you, but God will!
Keep it up God’s Word. Unfortunately we have today’s liberal society who go on about sex like they’ve just found it. My advice to them would be: get over it. What next? People will be advocating having sex with animals, and those who say “no that’s disgusting” will be branded prudes.
Those of you who think myself and God’s Word are prudes, I invite you to think about how you would feel if someone were to graphically describe gay sex (if you’re straight) or straight sex (if you’re gay) to you. Would you want to know? I guess not. Then why shove it down everyone’s throats?
Nobody with any class would read such a disgustingly shallow article like this.
The slippery slope is not a valid or useful form of argument.
Don’t let these Christian fools mislead you with their false prophecies!
Odin’s 10x better and you probably get beer and stuff when you die.
https://twitter.com/briandavidearp/status/382092952102645760/photo/1
YO CHILL OUT DUDES. HAV A FUN TIME AT THAT FRESHERS THING, GET WITH SOMEONE, SHAG THEM IN THE LOOS AT THE CLUB THEN PICK UP A POST-COITAL TOASTIE FROM MY CU HOMIES WHO’LL BE WAITING ON CAMPUS IN THE TENTS, YA DIG? In all seriousness eating a CU toastie is a form of repentance.
So I can sin by having sex before marriage and god will still love me. Good to know.
I don’t care but your rule 2 is stupid. If you bring a guy home and lead him on like that, it’s actually is TOO late to back out i don’t even care. I’ve had it happen to me before and it’s the worst feeling ever… you know exactly what the guy wants stop being such a joykill and get it over and done with. It’s your fault for leading them on, nobody wants bloody dominos, insult to injury
@blahb “Nobody with any class would read such a disgustingly shallow article like this”
…did you read it?
I think your comment is ridiculous either way, if you haven’t read it you are being reactionary in the worst possible way and if you have you have clearly not understood it (and you have ‘no class’). The article clearly discusses sex being consensual at all times, so your bestiality arguments are ridiculous and just obviously completely unrelated. What you’re doing is scare mongering and grasping at straws and it weakens your already invalid and untrue argument, which you could really do without.
The class comments are ridiculous too. Did you not see Prince Harry’s bum when he was playing strip billiards? Can you get classier than royalty? Who gives a fuck about class, not I dear sir! Do you even know what you mean?
Further, “Would you want to know? I guess not.” is very presumptuous. Yes I would be equally interested, and I’m sure a lot of people would be too. I think it is incredibly naive of you to think most liberal people are homophobic or at least that they think that’s fine but I don’t want to hear about it.
And if by ‘Shove it down peoples throats’ you mean expressing an opinion on sex I’d invite you to read your own comments and those of God’s Words…
And my advice to YOU would be ‘to get over it.’
And this article is directed at those who have just discovered sex, as the title says, it IS for people who have just found it.
Do you not even see that you are being blind and ignorant and hypocritical.
God you are infuriating.
@ God’s Word (and variations of the above)
1) You’re giving your personnal intepreation of the Bible- that is very different from the word of God. Also in the light of well known quotes such as ‘in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God’ it comes across as very arrogant to call yourself God’s word.
2) You’ve kind of missed the point, using the Bible means you’ll only convince anyone who believes it is true- if you genuinly want to convince people not to have sex outside of marriage surely you should come up with arguments everyone should accept?
3) So… abortions never happen in marriage ever? Also seems a bit harsh that you’re making a (false) assumption that sex outside marriage equals abortion. True more people having sex means more abortions but it also means more living babies…
4) Accusing everyone who has sex before marriage of being adulterers who will cheat on current and future partners is very judgemental yes.
Also out of curiosity have you sold all your possessions and given them, to the poor? As I understand it without that you can’t enter heaven.
Oh and Vision very much is the place for a permissive society- a society where everyone has the permission to express their views- and everyone else has the permission to disagree with them.
Actually a “slipper slope” argument in this context is fine.
So I’m guessing all you new-age sex-obsessed losers (for lack of a better word) should also be fine with someone describing how in great detail how they do a number 2 in the toilet. If not, you’re a prude!
Marriage was before Christianity… so for those who buy into the God/Christian thing… stop trying to assume you can define marriage. It’s a bit judgemental for a Christian anyway.
@rolls eyes:
I shall ignore your thinly-veiled insults at me and instead address the little substance of your post. I dare you to go to some dodgy pub (which is no doubt the type of person this article is aimed at) and tell them how you had gay sex with your gay friend and see their reactions. You’d be lucky to get out of there without a bruise. My point is that these people shoving sex down everyone’s throat are massive hypocrites. You honestly cannot be serious if you think that a gay person talking loudly about gay sex in a common room would be looked on in anything but disgust by 85% of the straight men in attendance (who would think, were it the other way round, that that person was a “lad” [another “subculture” that suggests to me that this country really has gone down the drain]).
It is indecent and unbecoming to discuss these things in public; what happened to good taste, politeness and sophistication? Btw I was hardly thinking of the royal family when I mentioned class.
You may not believe in Christianity, but it is bad manners to shoot down someone expressing his belief in Christianity that sex before marriage is wrong (and if you’re a Christian, that’s a fact: there is no way around that).
But maybe I should bother. Today’s Guardian-reading free-loving new-age society hates Christianity and Christians, and worships at the alter of Richard Dawkins and other such bores. How sad modern Britain has become.
@moderators:
please can you post my second to last comment? It is awaiting moderation and I fear you may have missed it (you posted my last comment which I wrote after the one that is awaiting moderation). Thanks.
@blahb
Don’t get me wrong I hate ‘lads’ too. NOT because they have sex but because of the misogyny they promote. Bur that does not seem to be what bothers you.
Further, promoting a healthy sex life – with emphasis sex that is 100% consensual 100% of the time- is not the same as loudly discussing the minutes of your latest sexual encounter- gay or straight. It is encouraging people to be physically and emotionally ready. And even if it was someone giving a minute by minute analysis of sex, gay or straight, even then I think you have misunderstood, gay people won’t become not gay because people in this horrible pub you describe would beat them???
It is a part of people, it is who they are.
You speak of ‘bad manners’ but is it not also bad manners to very thinly veil your homophobia by describing a situation of hate crime that you try to use as evidence why people should not have sex (gay or straight)?
I am all for sophistication and manners, I just don’t see homophobia, hate crime and shame playing a big part of that.
Your inability to express a reasonable argument is becoming incredibly tiresome, however I do appreciate and was amused by your decision to call people who have sex ‘losers’ as some sort of clincher. What’s next, we’re also sex-obsessed poo poo heads, meanies, cry babies? ouch, that really hurt.
I wish people would stop using guardian-readers as an insult, people who are guardian readers or lefty liberals clearly will not be offended- it is just an accurate description. Just like calling you christian.
Like, thanks for the update.
Way to sound like a rapist.
If a girl says no, she means no, even if she said yes earlier in the night, or you thought her behaviour was saying yes (hint: it probably wasn’t). So respect her choice and move on.
Despite what Robin Thicke may say there are no blurred lines when it comes to this sort of thing.
I’m not into ‘no sex before marriage’ or anything but I find it funny how many people just jump on the ‘Christian loonies’ bandwagon.
a) If you said that about Islam you would be racist, and
b) you forget that your entire culture is founded on these principles.
Whether you’re a Christian or not you should respect that by not slating it as soon as you get the chance to overcompensate for the fact political correctness dictates that you can’t criticise any other religion…
‘Just a guy’ is a troll right? either way what you’ve written is appalling.
Nobody is obliged to have sex with you. That can say we’ll get it on tonight. They can take you back to there’s. They can be mid BJ THEY CAN STILL SAY NO IF THEY DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. They can want you to stop during. Other people get to decide anything that goes on with their body, if you think it is your choice you are well on your way to becoming a sex criminal.
I’m pretty sure the worst feeling ever is not your blue balls but is someones body being violated when they don’t want it to.
Even if you’re just saying that as a troll you seriously need to question what the fuck it is your saying and why the fuck you feel the need to do it. You are disgusting
@rolls eyes
I’m afraid you need to take some reading comprehension classes as it is clearly not your strong point. How on earth did you get that I was homophobic from what I wrote?
To simplify my point: if you go to the Courtyard on a Friday night and (assuming you’re a guy) start talking loudly about how you had sex with some girl, no one would bat an eyelid. Of course not — they’re the kind of people this article caters for. They’re not prudes at all. Now start talking about how you had gay sex with a guy and you will find yourself in completely different territory — you’ll be thought of as disgusting by most people (oh, even though they’re not prudes and they’re the type of people you’re defending). I’m not saying it’s right but I am saying this is what you are defending. You are defending hypocrites.
To do away with these problems, society ought to be enlightened enough to shut its mouth about certain things which are best left unsaid and discovered individually.
I think you’ve both got insecurity issues and are taking it out on Lad culture/robert thicke. You two both sound really boring and to be honest with you I was expecting some sort of whiny feminist comment to come back to me. You also sound like you could do with getting some…. just saying.
Judging by your original comment it’s you that needs to get some.
Dear God’s Word. People like you are the reason us Christians have a bad name. If you honestly think comments like yours are going to make people think anything other than hatred about Christianity then you’re deluded. What do you think the Bible means when it says “love your neighbour as yourself” and “speak the truth in love”? Obviously not what I think, which is don’t be an asshole to people.
I made a choice that I didn’t want to have sex with anyone other than my wife. I chose that lifestyle because it’s what I believe is the right one. However that doesn’t mean I need to go treating people who don’t believe the exact same things as me like they’re somehow beneath me. Ultimately there’s nothing I can say to someone or type here that alone is going to convince them that my point of view is somehow better than theirs, and comments like yours are only going to hurt people, not help.
I tried the donut thing after reading this. I used a caramel glaze krispy kreme. Even if you do it gently it’s kinda hard to get on, the hole is definitely more finger sized than willy sized.
I actually lost a bet over it because the donut split a little, I now have to buy someone a donut, so fuck you Cosmo
@Late to the Party
How exactly is God’s Word putting people down and making them feel beneath him? The truth is, he’s not. But people here have little intelligence and take any disagreement with their lifestyle choices as attacks.
I don’t understand these comments. I think the article was obviously an attempt to educate people who could end up having sex and there’s no problem with that. One thing I disagreed with though is the virginity is not important thing. I guess it may be true, but at the same time you’re also making people who are happy being virgins feel as if there is something wrong with them. Instead I think the point should be that you shouldn’t feel pressured to wait until marriage, but shouldn’t feel pressured to lose it either.
What’s sex?