Welcoming children into the world is frequently a cause for celebration amongst the family and friends of the proud new parents. The birth of new life is, after all, one of the most wondrous and joyous things to witness as a human being – or so I’m told anyway.
In that vein, it seems one pair of parents plan to hold an especially lavish national welcome for their newborn; can you guess who they are? That’s right, that guy, the one whose grandmother does that thing, and of course his wife, that woman whose sister’s arse everyone was briefly obsessed with.
No, they’re not in fact, the next two contestants on one of those c-list celebrity reality shows. They’re the new ‘it’ couple of the country’s biggest celebrity reality show, it’s called “The Monarchy” and you’re paying a lot more than your bloody license fee to have it plastered all over your screens, let me tell you.
We all have that one friend I’m sure, the one who always enjoys themselves perhaps a bit too much and ultimately ends up cap in hand asking us to foot the bill. No? Well, if not then I can tell you about one family that’s been virtually doing exactly that for years, to all of us. But we’re cool with that, because their parents did it as well, and y’know, they wave occasionally, from open topped cars, behind walls of police officers. That’s a nice gesture.
I suppose I shouldn’t complain too much, grouchy, Republican killjoy that I invariably am. For the most part, being a Republican is a fairly easy life, what with the vast majority of the attention being firmly on those who, well, actually make decisions and away from our royal bugbears. That and the main strategy in the anti-monarchist camp having more or less been resigned to simply hoping they sort of just “go away”. My own conviction is in fact so lazy and halfhearted I don’t think I would even have the heart to tell the old dear to pack her bags should the situation arise, but that’s beside the point. I refuse to sing the national anthem when someone drops a penny in a drink, I’m a revolutionary, deal with it.
There does come a time however, when I must come out from my under my rock, plant my banner in the ground and chunter under my breath about hereditary privilege. When the royals take to the streets, don those military dress uniforms and outlandish hats and the whole country momentarily takes leave of their senses and become mindless flag waving thralls over their latest family development – in many ways a lot like those ludicrously hyped up Eastenders specials, only somewhat more exhausting.
But it’s not just the absurd media hype, nor the niggling feeling that we are probably somehow footing the bill for whatever decadent celebration is planned for the royal baby’s birth up at the palace that sticks in my craw; it’s also the apparent statistic that we, as loyal subjects, will spend 243 million pounds on Royal Baby related merchandise and party supplies. That roughly equates to half the government fire protection budget, and seriously, aren’t we all pig sick of union jack bunting by now?
As for the name of the baby, something everyone seems to be especially looking forward to, I say call it “Two weeks of rolling news” because that’s certainly what it’s amounted to thus far.
Regardless, I’m off to celebrate the arrival of the new prince in my own way, by enjoying what’s left of my access to unrestricted online pornography. Come get me when it’s over.
Can’t we just all be happy about something for once! I personally couldn’t careless about paying the tiny amount that we pay for our royal family. They are great for tourism and to be honest the pomp and circumstance give us all something to smile at! Wish people would stop looking at the negatives and maybe just enjoy the little bit of pomp.
By how much do you expect the total costs of elections and having a president to be cheaper than the current arrangement? I suppose you’ve done an in depth study into the loss to the treasury from the Crown Estates? The truth is the monarchy is cheaper, brings in more cash and is generally better received around the world. Show me another head of state that could command the respect the Queen has around the world. Personally I find the idea of president Miliband or president Cameron to be rather terrifying.
The British Monarchy is part and parcel of this country’s traditions and has survived the ages, I’m sure it will survive this article. If Republic is what you desire France is across the Channel, I’m sure you’ll be welcomed.
God save the Queen!
I’m sure this is treason in one way or another…
@Royalistlover
Not since 1998, so hopefully I’ll be fine, although It took them long enough with that piece of legislation.
An excellent article, well researched and full of insight and facts.
If you’re going to claim it’s ‘ripping us off’ as you do, perhaps research it first and see how much it really does cost.
But that would undermine your irritatingly phoney political position, born entirely out of being an 18-21 year old student (a la libertarian soc), of thinking it’s alternative and non-mainstream to hate the monarchy. Would you rather we did away with all our tradition just to save about 50p (in before: non-researched) a year to the tax payer? Then what would Britain be? Why would people visit? Would we have anything at all to be proud of? We may as well just change the Union Jack to a plain grey flag. I agree with the above comment, if you like republics so much do everyone a favour and move to France.
This may be a comment article but come on Vision, does it only take babbling about nothing for 500 words with a ‘funny and witty’ sign off line to be published on your website?
“that guy, the one who’s [sic] mother does that thing”
I think you mean his grandmother, dear…
But is democracy really that great?
I thought it was a great article and I’m shocked by the number of blind royalists in the comments. Of course the Monarchy being tourism and thus money to the UK but in what way should that make me proud of them? They are nothing more than a painful, embarrassing reminder of the elitist ‘silver spoon’ society that we should have left behind long ago…
Viva la Revolution aka Tom A-C
Not that it matters and much as I am loathe to comment on my own article yet again but I would like it known that, for the record, I can’t find a shred of evidence that suggests “Viva la Revolution” is Tom A-C, based on the e-mail address provided by the commenter. This of course means nothing in itself, I have no idea who it is. but I don’t see why any credence should be given to a purely unsubstantiated claim made for the rather petty reason of discrediting the one positive comment on the article as “my mate backing me up”, frankly it just strikes me as childish.