Roses croquet: York beat Lancaster

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Photos: Oona Venermo

A slight breeze washed across the lawn at the back of Heslington Hall, lightly fluttering the corner flags around the edge of the makeshift croquet pitch as a galaxy of York and Lancaster BNOC’s prepared for the pinnacle clash of Roses 2013 to begin.

Kallum Taylor and LUSU president Ste Smith eyed each other nervously as they waited for their relevant University dignitaries to arrive out of the open doubles doors of the Heslington Hall back entrance.

YSTV had their cameras set up, the high profile crowd waited with bated breath, I surreptitiously tried to dispose of my cigarette butt.

Finally, they emerged. First out wandered Greg Dyke, a broad smile on his face.

Next Professor Brian Cantor, then the Lancaster big boys, Chancellor Sir Christian Bonnington and VC Professor Mark Smith.

The competitiveness of these University heavyweights was clear from the off, first off came Cantor’s tie, then his jacket was handed to a nearby woman who may or may not have been his wife, then up came the sleeves.

Kallum Taylor took his scarf off and all on the sidelines knew now was the time for business.

After a five minute dispute about the rules between the six men we were soon off and running.

The early stages of the match proceeded with much confusion, spectators looked on in awe, no-one seemed to actually know anything about the game, including those who were playing it.

From what I could ascertain, croquet appears to be a sort of cross between golf, bowls and ludo, but Brian Cantor seemed to know a lit more than I; he steered the York team with an even hand, as our boys soared into an early lead.

Meanwhile at the other end, the two Smiths and Sir Christian were doing their best chuckle brothers impressions, scratching their heads over one of their balls, discussing what to do with it.

York’s lead soon seemed insurmountable. Cantor knocked one ball out of play (this is a good thing) and strode triumphantly across the green, shirt sleeves flapping in the wind, Greg Dyke’s smile became even broader, but a few poor shots later, most of them from our SU president, gave Lancaster an opening.

Professor Cantor reassured Taylor with a firm pat on the back, “Too little, too late Lancaster” was the call from YUSU Activities Officer Chris West, stood on the sidelines.

What ensued for the next twenty minutes was the men huddled around one of the thing-bob-majiggers what you put the ball through knocking each other’s ball out of the way in a stalemate.

Lancaster played a defensive strategy, stifling the open, fluid play of the York team.

Despite this, York were able to find a breakthrough and soon found themselves one shot away from victory, which Professor Cantor promptly fluffed. However, Lancaster Vice Chancellor Mark Smith seemed to have resigned himself to defeat, hoofing the ball rebounding off the center post and through one of the targets the wrong way in what was certainly the shot of the game.

Finally, it fell to Kallum Taylor to put Lancaster out of their misery.

The atmosphere hung on a knife edge. Taylor grasped his shaft with both hands in anticipation, a solitary bead of sweat rolled down his forehead.

He drew back the mallet, and hit the ball the required two and a half feet, bounding off the post and winning the sum of zero points for York.