Spotlight: croquet

This week sees Roses 2013 get underway, as the University becomes engulfed in the unique atmosphere that is Roses. An array of mainstream sports like football and rugby and a host of more unusual sports will be contested, but arguably the most exciting part of all is croquet. Kallum Taylor and Brian Cantor will be responsible for leading York to sporting glory and upholding the reputation of our treasured University.

With that in mind myself and Kallum ventured out to the Heslington Hall lawn to hone our croquet skills and discover more of what the game is really all about. The first problem we encountered was the significant issue of working out how the game actually works. After consulting the instructions we realised that it really is as simple as hitting a ball through horseshoe shaped hoops with a few extra rules.

On a surface that was more akin to an uncut field than a neatly trimmed croquet pitch, we had a ready made excuse for all of our failures. Yet against all odds Kallum punted his first shot straight through the middle of the first target from distance, showing the grace and prowess of a seasoned expert rather than the inability of the frankly clueless novices that we were.

It quickly became apparent that it was beginners’ luck however. We both struggled to navigate the second hoop and our deficiencies became apparent for the audience that thankfully consisted of only one, in the form of our photographer Jack Western, and the occasional curious passers-by. Gradually we improved however, and by the time we arrived at the fifth target we were showing signs of brilliance, or at least a modicum of respectability.

Our styles may not have been the classic croquet ones, as we often adopted a golf like stance, but this started to prove effective as we raced towards the crucial stage of the contest. The less said about the end the better from my point of view, as Kallum cruelly smashed my ball to the other side of the green, and claimed victory. A loss maybe, but it certainly was an enjoyable one, as my first experiences of playing croquet were both amusing and thoroughly pleasant.

The rematch saw me exact revenge, as I employed the ruthless tactics of hampering the progress of both Kallum and Jack, who had joined in with our marvellous spectacle. As I surged to victory the highlight was seeing Jack scurry in pursuit of his ball to prevent it from falling into the nearby pond, after I had deviously smashed it towards the water hazard. The bad news is that Kallum finished last, which doesn’t bode well for Sunday.

Playing under the window of the legend that is Brian Cantor we felt the unerring pressure of his masterful gaze upon us, whilst Jane Grenville couldn’t help but laugh at our efforts as she passed by. All we needed was for Brian to join us and the training session would have been complete, as we would have been given the opportunity to meet the elusive master of croquet and absorb his expertise and knowledge. I fancy he would not have appreciated our unorthodox techniques, and would have given us a lesson on how to truly play croquet.

Nonetheless it would be fair to say that we didn’t embarrass ourselves, much, and the fact that it was still light by the time we finished suggests we couldn’t have been that bad. Kallum displayed moments of brilliance, and some less inspiring ones, but nevertheless I have faith in him to defeat his Lancaster rivals in what is certainly the most important clash of Roses 2013. If he does, I’ll claim credit for my expert tutorage; if not then my croquet coaching career will reach an abrupt and undignified end.

My new theory is that, during the campaign for the position of YUSU President, all candidates should have to partake in a croquet competition, with the winner handed a head start in the election race. We all know that prevailing in Roses is the most important task of the YUSU President’s stint in office. No pressure then, Kallum.

After blaming the surface, our equipment, and anything else for our failures, we called it a day. As we strolled off to return to the reality of University life, Kallum told me: “I can’t wait to play croquet with Brian Cantor. We’re going to have a very interesting combination between Brian’s very meticulous approach and my game which is full of flair and creativity, so hopefully we’ll have the best of both worlds.”

On a serious note croquet actually is an incredibly enjoyable game to play, especially on a lovely spring evening. It may be perceived as an old person’s game, and a ‘sport’ played only by the retired or super-rich, but in reality it is an activity that can be participated in and enjoyed by everyone, and is definitely worth having a try, even if it is only for the comedic value.