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Photos: Jack Western
Floorball, along with kendo, aikido and bourgeois-free rowing, are all sports I did not know existed before university.
In order to sample this little-known pastime enjoyed by smug Nordic men relaxing on paternity leave, I enlisted the help of my housemate Phil; a Halifax College footballer renowned for his insistence on making up for what he lacks in skill, with indiscriminate aggression.
Maciej Rys, head of the University of York Floorball Club, welcomed us warmly by thoroughly explaining the rules of this slick, free flowing game. Floorball is like indoor ice hockey without the ice and the subzero conditions although, if you are reading Mr Cantor CBE, the glacial ‘tent’ in York Sport Centre could do with some heating. Enjoy Val D’Isere and don’t forget to reply to the missed calls from The Belgravia Centre.
The first hour was spent practicing passing, shooting and defending amongst our small but highly skilled group. Vaclav Viki Volf, who I can only describe as the Czech Lionel Messi of floorball, oozed class and left many feeling like Tony Blair’s publicist when he spends the evening begging newspaper editors to let him write one more article justifying the Iraq War.
Sadly, Phil did not take well to such a passive sport and began eyeballing weaker members of the group. Indeed, several failed attempts on goal threatened to push him over the edge, but an aptly timed break gave him time to regain control of his demons and snort the rest of his Prozac prescription.
In contrast to Phil, I impressively progressed into real game scenarios, dancing my way across the lime green floor, burying half chances and bringing less able members of the team into play. Phil, often deliberately misinterpreting commands from his teammates, struggled to keep up with play and on the walk home, loudly lamented the consequences of his festive overindulgence. However, Maciej, who was supportive and professional throughout, politely ignored these indiscretions and made sure everyone enjoyed the session. Joking aside, floorball is incredibly fun and I would recommend it to anyone wanting to try something new.
The final hour was spent playing a frantic game in which Phil disgraced himself repeatedly. Upon deciding that the only female participant reminded him of an ex-girlfriend, Phil proceeded to aggressively man mark his opponent, while attempting to explain the future benefits of ‘just being friends.’
The final hour affirmed my newfound belief that I had at last found my sport. At the end, a dazed member of the University of York Boxing Club explained that my unquestionable talent distracted him during the sparring session taking place next to the game. Running between both goals with my stick in hand, its curved head elegantly executing chips, drives and infinite dribbles, I had become lost in floorball, at one with the game and the universe. It was like an outer body experience. Unfortunately, Maciej ended the session ended early due to Phil’s repeated attempts to sell the Rhino horn he acquired on his latest trip to Beijing to the opposing goalkeeper.
In conclusion, I would urge you all to go to the ‘tent’ at York Sport Centre next Saturday at 3pm, even if it is freezing. As a society currently maintained by a few diehard floorball enthusiasts, who are both welcoming and patient, the University of York Floorball Club is a club with lots of potential. You will not regret it!