Which utterly stupid person conceived that the day for making resolutions should be New Year? This is the day in which we are at our drunkest and most content.
Even the Grinch, in his gnarly, green, onion-eating misery, is happy by New Year. No one can make helpful, life changing resolutions when they’re happy – what you need is the uncomfortable, black depression of exam term.
If the Grinch were to make New Year’s resolutions, he would stand in front of the mirror, smile at his hairy stomach hanging down onto his webbed feet, under the weight of a million undigested Christmas baubles, and declare: “this year, I resolve to buy a summer bikini for my trusty dog.” If however, he was suffering the misery of a third term at York he’d be struck with a moment of clarity and resolve: “I need to have all my teeth removed, come to terms with being alone for the rest of my life, and buy one of those zimmer-frame chairs for the elderly to ensure a seat in the library.”
Last week, I walked from Vanbrugh to the key texts area of the library and then up Hes Road with my skirt pinned up under my rucksack and my grim granny knickers on display, wobbling around like jelly. A helpful van driver honked at me on the walk, and I was so absorbed in thinking about my essay and wondering whether if I sliced my arm and stuck it in a bucket of redbull the caffeine would get into my system faster, that I thought the man was honking ‘cause I’m so fit. Realising that the mysterious wind between my thighs was because my butt was out, and absolutely no one thought I was fit, I turned to my friend to comfort, who told me that I was “so, so stupid. How could you have been so stupid? You’re far too unattractive to be honked at.”
I’m currently at optimum stress capacity. So much so, I’m seriously considering taping paper bags permanently to my face to counter the hyperventilation. The time is right for me to assess my life. These are the recommendations that I make to any long suffer of the exam term:
1. Always wear attractive knickers. Always.
2. Make sure you have nice, sensitive friends, and quietly strike off any horrible friends who don’t swear that Tuesdays are the library’s ‘blind students only’ days.
3. Buy a zimmer-frame/chair.
4. Grow glorious green fuzz all over your body, and go and live on an isolated mountain. It’s a happier place up there…
Pick up next edition to absorb more of Helena Kealey’s insights…