Surely all students despise spring. Don’t we all feel instantly nauseous at the sight of a duckling? Nature’s reminder that there is only one month left until our exams? Apparently not.
It seems a great number of students aren’t spending the month of May in a blind panic, cramming for their degrees. Well, enough is enough. If you’re not going to do any work, I will take it upon myself to grade you on what you are doing. The following degrees will be awarded to the most ‘laddish’ universities.
1st class honours go to:
Manchester University: Students at Manchester acted so badly with their “drunken loutish behaviour” on a “naked ferry” ride, that even journalists at The Sun were disgusted. The article entitled “Drunken students trashed a £180 million ferry as they ran around naked and had a mass brawl” described with horror the “females” that were “exposing themselves”. If you’re upsetting The Sun it’s time to get your act together.
Exeter University: For the conviction of Laura Johnson, an English Literature and Italian student, for burglary and participation in the London riots, driving looters to electrical goods stores in South London. LAD.
2:1s go to:
St Andrews: For the fourth year student who was caught on CCTV drunkenly ripping the head off a pigeon on a night out. He’s going to be fined £750 for “brutally decapitating” the bird.
Warwick University: For the mission-impossible break-in on their medical centre. One boy “disguised in a stolen lab coat spent several hours examining animal research facilities” before security saw through his cunning disguise, asked him for identification and then chased him from the building. Dr Doo-Bond will, I imagine, be featuring in the next Avengers film.
2:2s go to:
Durham University: Where students called police to spend precious time “investigating” a man in the girls’ toilets.
Oxford University: For hosting an “Alpaca Conference” for Alpacas and their enthusiasts in Keble College over the Easter Holidays. The Alpacas grazed outside whilst hundreds of Alpaca fans celebrated “the versatility of the Alpaca.” Puts our campus horse to shame, as no one has ever celebrated its versatility.
3rd class degrees go to:
Cambridge University: for the outrage and upset over a “vicious swan” that wasn’t relocated over the Easter holidays, and is therefore continuing its “reign of terror”. Really? Big problems in Cambridge with “psycho swans” are there?