Rarely a night goes by when I am not woken, in the still of the darkness, by the nightmare of our Roses defeat in 2011. They were lucky to leave with their lives let alone the victory and as they walked out, we gave a glare knowing that some day we would meet again. I waste many an hour through painful seminars and agonising lectures dreaming of the day we march across the Pennines to battle.
Alpha Squadron
This year Alpha squadron fields the strongest players to be seen in many a century, (six to be exact). Entire legions quiver in their almighty presence. These men could march up to the summit of Mount Olympus and frighten Zeus himself. As we fasten armour to our bodies and draw bats from our sheaths, we prepare to make the House of York proud once more. Sir Senri the supreme rides beside Sir Anders the annihilator, fronting the assault upon the enemy. Upon the left flank, strides Rudy the ruthless, baying for blood. To the right flank, Frank the furious provides pinpoint accuracy with blade to ball. They will sweep through Lancaster like Vesuvius through Pompeii, brushing aside Lancastrian peasants on their way. Even with hands bound behind backs and blindfolds to their eyes, nothing will prevent them from demolishing the Lancastrian fortress and taking a comfortable 17-0 victory, riding back to York with four points in our grasp.
Beta Squadron
When I first took charge of this sorry group of no-hopers, I could still see the fear in their eyes from the 12-4 defeat they suffered to those western commoners last year. This year however Beta squadron has been training ferociously in the barracks to atone for this defeat. Twelve brave warriors were whittled down to four of the finest that the House of Table Tennis has to offer. Holding the line, Mike the miller, Adam the apple-picker, Martin the mason and Andy the almoner, accompany Alpha squadron on their quest for glory. Given the occupations of these obstinate fellows, this is likely to be a close encounter.
As we stare across the table of destiny over the net of despair, I know that each brave warrior will give his utmost for the House. As we ride for battle with the Pennine wind in our hair and the rain on our faces, we realise some will fall but all, dead or alive, will be welcomed home as true heroes. This will be the day on which we shall avenge the deaths of our fallen brothers. So I ask the people of York to stand with me, to stand by the team as we take back what is rightfully ours. For Glory! For Victory! FOR YORK!!!!!!!!
This is f******g hilarious!