Agony Uncles

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Please note – this photo is not an advert for “Stranger Danger”…

 

Q: How do I pull the girl I like?

Nicholas – Alright – so if you’ve got to this point you’ve probably put more groundwork in than Alan Titchmarsh. You’ve text about life, talked about love, and maybe even taken her for a cheeky Happy Meal. Now it’s time to do the exact opposite. There’s nothing that women love more than a man they probably think is a bit emotionally unstable with the same personal consistency as Nick Clegg. Act mysteriously, the darker the better. If you see her in the street from now on, half smile. If you see her in Willow, cast a glance of utter disapproval. Make plans and cancel them, tell her you’re “doing something more important.” Once you’ve knocked her down to an emotional state which means she is legally classified as a vegetable, then you can pounce, you little trickster!

Jack – Every girl loves a bit of healthy competition and light criticism. Flirt with her a bit. Use a bit of euphemism. Woo her. But then go and do exactly the same to everyone else in Willow and make sure she sees. Flirt with that girl from your seminar. Chat up a college netball captain. You could even hump a chair. Just make sure she witnesses it. Then go back and flirt with her again, but offer her some helpful advice. For example; “I liked your hair better the way it used to be”, and criticise her for buying second-hand vintage clothes which you know are new Topshop items. Every woman likes a few tactful pointers and a few competing adversaries.

Q: How do we tell our housemate that we have already found a house for next year without him?

Nicholas – THIS WILL BE BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS. And with just as many arguments. So maybe it’s the fact they shriek every time they (don’t) score on FIFA, or the fact their girlfriend looks like an oversized beaver with a bowl cut. Perhaps their endless playing of filthy dubstep has kept you awake, or you’re just tired of hearing the headboard smash into the wall next to you when their ‘special friend’ from first year still comes round. You’ve made a good decision if any of these are applicable. Nothing says “our friendship is definitely over” better than rubbing salt into that seeping wound. Bring up your new house all the time, speculate how it’s too small for visitors and talk about how quiet and beautiful it will be, free from a bloke who makes you want to drown yourself every morning in the shower. At best, they’ll snap. At worst, they’ll snap quicker. Either way, you’ve made your friendship decision very permanent indeed…

Jack – Are you seriously this idiotic? Why would you ever tell him that you have already found a house? Lie, lie, lie, keep lying and lie some more. Telling them would just be a pitifully crap idea. How awkward do you want next term to be? “Hi mate, can I nick some pasta off you and, oh yeah, sorry for the fact that I have deemed you so unworthy as a human being that I actually don’t want to be around you.” Does that sound like the type of conversation you want every day until July? No, it doesn’t. You may say that you want to treat him as a friend and be honest with him. If this were true you would have told him by now. So start lying and start lying well…

Q: My friends from home want to come but I’m worried they’ll embarrass me, what do I say?

Nicholas – Embrace it. Yes, I’m telling you to invite the little critters. Actually, ask them up for absolutely any occasion. Point out you’re free between 2pm and 4.15pm on a Friday afternoon and it would be great to see them. When they casually decide not to swagger on up from London for this huge gap filled with endless possibilities for fun and friendship, now you can tear into them. Castigate them for being fair-weather friends whilst screaming down the phone. Leave them a text message referring to them as worse than the Black Death and twice as hideous. You could even Skype their parents and ask why they decided to keep them, and what they think of their son’s cocaine habit. This will work like a deformed jigsaw falling into place, and your friends will feel so victimised they won’t be your friends for much longer. Excellent, you already have enough friends.

Jack – You have two options. Option one – tell them; “Don’t come, you will embarrass me.” Option two – tell them; “You can come, but don’t embarrass me.” Unfortunately if you do let them come up to stay you just have to grit your teeth and get on with it. What did you really expect? Inviting two separate groups of friends together who have ample ammunition against you is essentially like asking victims of crime to corroborate witness statements. You wouldn’t be friends with them if they were so dull that they didn’t know how to take the piss. Taking the piss out of you is just an unfortunate by-product. Get over it.