Dear ‘Nightlife’. I swapped numbers with a guy on a night out about a month ago, after he helped me put a drunk stranger into a taxi. He is so great – good looking, exactly my type, funny, kind – the whole package. Since swapping numbers we have met up for drinks, been for lunch, hung out at his house and met each others friends. I really think I like him. But then the other night I got a call at about two in the morning when he was walking home from a night out. I told him that I was tired and told him I’d call him in the morning for a proper conversation. He responded by calling me a “stringy gangly FREAK'” and hung up on me. What should I do?
This is a tricky one. For the most part he does sound like a bit of a catch, and the odd harsh comment shouldn’t be allowed to get in the way of a beautifully blossoming relationship. On the other hand though, only somebody with tragically low self-esteem would be happy to be with someone who throws this level of vitriolic abuse their way. Plus, if you put up with remarks like this, then who knows how far he’ll go next time. He might even criticise your hair or that designer Movember tache you’ve been refining. Do you really want to take that risk?
Of course, this is all irrelevant if in fact you do happen to be a “stringy gangly freak”. If this is the case, then pipe down, chill out, and stop being so defensive about it. At least your bum doesn’t look big in anything. Just be pleased that you’re still getting drunken phone calls in spite of your “freakish proportions”. Certainly don’t give him the boot over one comment, when there’s no guarantee you can do any better.
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Dear ‘Nightlife’. I’m no lightweight when it comes to the drink. On nights out I usually drink between eight to ten pints without any problem. It doesn’t make me sick, it doesn’t leave me paralytic, I don’t wake up with a deadly hangover or an ugly man the next morning. The problem occurs when I ‘break the seal’. It is impossible to drink ten pints without having a wee. When drinking at home I am never short of bog roll, yet in most clubs the it all seems to be gone by about eleven o’clock. What should I do when I go for my inevitable piss? Should I drip dry? Bring toilet roll in my handbag? What if it falls out when I am buying a drink at the bar? Is it okay to ask the barstaff for toilet roll? HELP!
Honestly? Whilst, as men, we are in no way are we in no way qualified to deal with questions of this nature, our bigger objection to your correspondence is that it is disgusting. “Drip dry” is without doubt one of the more horrific phrases out there. Don’t write to us again.
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Dear ‘Nightlife’. I have been a student at York for over two years now. During my time here I have had more than my fair share of nights on the town and consequently have spent many a morning relentlessly scrubbing (to no avail) Willow stamps off my arms.
As much as I have enjoyed the night life in York, there is one thing that is always bothering me. I have no idea how to approach women in a club. I don’t know what to talk about or even how to behave. I break out into a cold sweat as soon as a fair lady approaches, my mouth goes dry and my mind goes blank. All I have established so far is that grinding against women in a club, or telling them that I love them before running away is not the way to go about business. Can you help me?
The only advice we can offer is: MAN UP. Admittedly we have no idea what you look like, but for the sake of this we are going to presume that you look less repulsive than Ann Widdecombe after a heavy night on the Jaeger and that your company is slightly more bearable than that of Piers Morgan.
Unfortunately, being socially inadequate ourselves, we have learnt the hard way that this game is all about projecting confidence. Think of some interesting chat up lines before you go out. Even write them down and slip them in your pocket if you are indeed as hopeless as your pathetic cry for help makes you sound (HINT, don’t let the lady in question see these notes…). Try to keep the topics of conversation light and frothy. Tedious or divisive conversation such as staunchly advocating the return of capital punishment or an in-depth analysis of the pros and consof further European integration won’t cut it. Just because it’s gold in a politics seminar, it doesn’t mean it will help make the ladies hot under collar. In fact, from our experiences we would suggest that political debate and success with the fairer sex are negatively correlated. So, keep it simple. Just smile, play it cool, and don’t act like the freak you inevitably are.