Bruno Mars is a gigantic penis for his lastest creation: “The Lazy Song”. I know what he was really trying to say with that song even if this conforms to me being a twisted and embittered individual with a propensity to completely misconstrue what popstars are saying through their songs in order to satisfy my own jaundiced view of the music indutry.
What he meant in this song was “I made a lot of money from my collaborationswith B.O.B. and Travie McDirty from Gym Class Heroes. Like, a serious amount of money. So much money I could have stopped right then and there and still had enough money to make the Smiths reform, or buy all the oxygen in the world and sell it back to you. Or have an operation so I’d have endlesly regenerating freshly-cut chips for hair. But instead I just decided to go and make more money by tinkling on a piano and warbling some romantic clichés like ‘your hair is nice when you don’t straighten it’ and ‘making yourself up to look like a massive slag isn’t necessarily something which you have to do on a daily basis in order to satisfy me.’
“So now, at the age of twenty-something, I effectively never have to work, or even do anything, again. I can chill out at home in my boxers and eat a mammoth bag of Doritos without guilt because I can get a personal trainer to buffer the fat off me while I watch Countdown. I can just pluck groupies off of my doorstep any time I want sexual gratification. I can construct a full-size Meccano tractor I have so much free time. And I’m going to put all of this information in a song. And then MAKE EVEN MORE MONEY OFF OF IT.”
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
So call me a dreamer who likes to connect all the cosmic dots into patterns that don’t exist and grasp for an unreachable star of insight that’ll be forever beyond my grasp, but I think Jessie J’s album might possibly, kind of have a theme to it. And that theme, I wish to radically suggest, is of just accepting people for who they are.What might have sparked off this off-the-wall analysis, you will never ask?
Well, it might have been that I noted a similar vein running through all her songs; like ‘Do It Like A Dude’, which I believe celebrates either acting like a man or just being absolutely irretrievably disgusting, or ‘Price Tag’, which is all about not faking it, or ‘Nobody’s Perfect’, which is about just embracing your loved one’s faults. Or perhaps it’s because the album’s called Who You Are.
In any case, I would like to offer my humble opinion that this theme is incredibly inconsistent across the whole album. Think about it. ‘Nobody’sPerfect’ is at once an apology for bad behaviour and an excuse- she’s sorry she told everyone your secret, but it’s in her nature and you can’t tell her you begrudge her that, so…she’s not sorry? ‘Price Tag’ is all about being authentic and not doing it for the money, which is assume why she’s not made it a free download and cashed in on it. ‘Who’s Laughing Now’ is a hit back at all the bullies who tormented Jessie when she was younger, yet as previously mentioned, I thought all people had faults that you couldn’t begrudge them for and forgive and forget was the best way?…Oh Jessie, you do make my head hurt. And it’s not just because your music is shit.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Cher Lloyd’s new track ‘With Your Love’ is not a terrible song. It’s not good,obviously, but it’s nowhere near in the league of her last offering, which in its own right re-defined the depths of what terrible is. “With Your Love” by contrast is identifiably a song. It has a melody. It has proper lyrics. It has a song-like structure. All of this begs the question for me: why did someone find Cher Lloyd a proper songwriter for this one?
Clearly no-one helped her with the first one, as the results were approximately as messy as throwing a toddler into a toilet cubicle by itself for the first time and telling them just to try and figure it out for themselves. Someone has clearly abetted Cher for this new track. I’m willing to bet it was probably that Posner character who appears on it. I’ve definitely always thought he was the shifty type since first observing that he stole all of Justin Timberlake’s clothes. Don’t they know they’re only furthering the damage that is going to be done to that poor, extremely unhinged young lady further down the line when she finds herself appearing as a nostalgia guest on Michael Barrymore’s comeback music panel game show on Sky a few years down the line?
Whoever dressed Ms. Lloyd that day, took her into a studio, gave her the lyrics and played a beat for her, then took her home and returned her Nintendo DS as a reward for being so good has only brought her one step closer to the crushing meltdown that’s coming her way. I’m not excited about that thought at all, honestly I’m concerned. No seriously, I am. That’s not a smile, my mouth twitched. I’m smiling because you’re smiling now.