That was the noughties. No I’m not saying that. I’m not. That’s such a crap thing to say. It seems as if a man 
who thought that they were right witty somewhere thought that associating the words naughty and the word “0”-ey can be used for associating everything that can be tied in with this decade. I bet these are the same people who market meerkats and thought that those bloody sofa adverts with the people dancing like they are rockstars were remarkable feats of modern broadcasting. I don’t think that they are just naughty, I think that they should all be punished. Preferably with whips.
Anyway as it is the end of the decade, I want us to share together much more of a monumental look back. You can more or less sum up this decade in a couple of sentences: Millennium, Terrorism, Titty Channels, 24, Olympic Games and Saturday Kitchen. The problem right now is that I’m expecting dreadful “countdown” shows with various C / D / Q LIST celebrities fantasising and muttering about crap TV.
(However to make it easier for you I’ll let you know now that there shouldn’t be a voice over man between the entries as I shot him.)
No. 84 – The BBC weather graphics: Next is number 84 in our list: remember when they re-did the weather graphics on the BBC earlier in the decade? IT WAS A BIT CONFUSING WASN’T IT? Debbie (evicted housemate number 5 from Big Brother 3) agrees: “The map was slanted and nobody could see half of Scotland. Me and my mate Trix, like, watched it one day, and we didn’t, like, get what was going on with Scotland.” Maily-ish Rail made-up columnist Tim Idiot: “Haha yeah when they updated the weather graphics they slanted Scotland completely off the map (laughs as if he let one go). They should have f***ing got rid of Scotland all together. Haha.” (He stares at the camera. You then realise that he’s serious.)
No. 75: The Channel 4 Graphic Idents: You know what, I quite liked them when they came out. There was the one with the sea, the one with the *beep beep* New York Taxis driving by and the one when the pigeons self-combusted. But they have not been updated, since, like, when we were born. They’re not witty or original anymore. For goodness sake Channel 4 THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY ELECTRICITY CABLES AND BOWLING GREENS I CAN HANDLE.
No. 72: The launch of E4: Oh god. I’m sorry. It has happened. Debbie (evicted housemate number 5 from Big Brother 3, of course): “E4? E4? Oh my god. Yeah like E4. Even though it seems to be an irrelevant point of time that it started and I cannot pinpoint the year nor the date that this really came on the air, now that the producer mentions this to me and tells me to talk about it I now remember that me and Trix saw the launch like and it, like, was just like stunning”. Dennis (who said three words in a branded cinema 2-4-1 offer advertisement for a generic mobile phone company in 2004): “Excuse me I’m just eating an Orange (pause). Isn’t the announcer for this channel the same guy who now does the X-Factor?” Unfortunately this article cannot afford the X-Factor voice over man, so instead we are going to talk about something cheaper.
No. 71: Michael Winner: Tina (traffic and travel presenter from the Swindon Bay area). “Calm down dear”. (Shrieks of laughter). “I tell you I’m going to really have to quote here something special because I f***ing love my agent for getting me a quote right here in such an article! CALM DOWN DEAR! (snorts)”. We cut away as she draws a line on the table.
No. 70: The end of Ceefax: (The world famous band The Pixies’… catering manager Tony Stanza): “Ceefax has ended?”
No. 69: The closure of ITV Digital: Duncan (Council Estate Worker): “Oh my days how I loved that monkey in those ITV Digital adverts with Johnny Vegas before they closed”. Insert 2.1 second clip of said beloved monkey from that advert. Debbie: “Yeah I know he was, like, so unbelievably funny, I loved absolutely everything he did on the screen.” Insert another 0.23 seconds of monkey. Dennis: “He is a character that you can only enjoy in his entirety, not in a heavily-edited, watered-down clip that removes all sources of context and humour because they cannot afford a clip of the advert itself”. Subliminal 000.32 seconds of Monkey. Tim Idiot: “They should have f***ing got rid of monkeys all together after that. Haha.” (He stares at the camera. You realise he’s serious.)
No 68: I’m a Celebrity Blah Blah….: (shhh… Reader I’ve had it. When one of the contributors says the infamous “F” word then this article will just explode. Please shield yourself). David McOrange (Fashion Editor: US Tat Weekly) “OMG I am just such a fan of this British show. I mean I love Katie Price. Even though I know that most of you dislike her, I just want to say that she is a modern woman, an articulate woman, a women who has released several autobiographies to the world. Let me just tell you hun, she’s faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulou…”. READER DUCK DUCK DUCK DUCK!!!!! BAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGG!